Chapter 4: Chapter 4
As you grow older, di mo na ring maiiwasang maging makakalimutin. Minsan nakakalimutan ko saan ko nalagay susi ko, na meron pala akong meeting na naka-plot sa kalendaryo, o yung tipong overdue na pala ang bills ko o kaya wala na akong bigas. Kahit mga tao sa buhay mo minsan, makakalimutan mo na rin paano mo sila nakilala o anong relevance nila sa iyo. The less na nakikita mo sila, the more your memories of them become blurry.
Even Jordan's kiss to me seems all brand new, kahit na ilang beses na namin 'tong nagawa noon. Pero kahit ganoon he never fails to trigger familiar feelings - of longing, of comfort, of exploration. The way he works his lips and tongue sends a message that he longs me so much - that he will left no spot unsearched.
"Akala ko ba ayaw mo?"
"My lips were bored so pinagbigyan kita."
"Grabe ka talagang bumanat no, hanggang dito pa naman..."
"It's my way of making fun of reality..." Or it's something I've naturally learned after years of dealing will all the shiz. "But yes, it was fine, thanks. Ginusto ko talaga iyon."
"Ngayong tapos na?"
"I don't mind." Yung itsura ng mga mata niya, hindi siya nagmumukhang parang nagtagumpay sa isang dare. He's not thinking of sweet, sweet victory. Mas lalo kong naramdaman yung pakikiusap sa pagtingin niya, as if he's saying ituloy natin 'to, kahit isang gabi lang.
And making the decision was easy enough, kahit na alam ko it'll feel a mistake the next day.
Me being on top of him was my way of calling the shots, of letting him know that my consent isn't earned easily. Sex is politics, and politics is struggle; kahit ba naman dito umiiral pagka-bida-bida ko? But yes, Jordan has to earn it. I need confirmation na di lang dala ng init itong ginagawa namin. That we made this choice in our best mental state.
Daig pa ata namin ang mga magagaling na ballerina pati na rin mga matador sa pag-ikot-ikot namin sa sala. Nabubunggo na mga katawan namin sa sofa at sa mga cabinet pero the way we crave for each other makes us invincible. We crave for better pain than that. Our soft moans signal how we approve each other's touch - simula sa haplos na di namamalayang palalim na pala. The clothes are still intact but our hands have their ways.
"Itutuloy ba natin 'to?"
"Why are you asking me that?"
"Alam mo namang di ko deserve 'to..." Pagsubok niyang tapusin ang sasabihin habang naghahabol ng hininga. I appreciate all this concern pero di ko maiwasang isiping di ito dahil sa kaharap niya ako. He must've learned this from someone else. For now, it makes me flattered someone can be this pro-active kahit na it's bothersome.
"Isipin mo na lang pa-welcome gift ko 'to sa iyo. As neighbors."
"Saan ka makakakita ng magkapitbahay making out 1st day pa lang nilang magkita?"
"Dunno. Sa America?" That was enough para mabasag yung seryoso naming mood.
I asked him to let go of his shirt as I did with mine. Tama nga siyang I'm now more buff than he is, not that I'm saying wala na siyang korte - search a photo of Isko Moreno in undies and he might be closest to that. After all, if you're in heat like we do you don't care about those details anymore. Any man whose body speaks of strength and warmth will be enough. Also, skills - sure na akong battle-tested na siya diyan.
I took the liberty to explore him through my palms. Wala pa nga sa magandang spot, halata mo na sa pag-impit ng boses niya that he missed this, parang kung paano ang itsura ko habang nagdadasal sa itaas na hindi darating sa mga makiliti kong parte ang pasimula niyang mga haplos sa likod ko.
Dan raised his offer by going down, down, down...near that right spot. Years of training made him an expert where to make me wild. Yung akala mong dumaloy na lahat ng dugo mo, may ilalaban pa pala. I've never felt this hard and excited in such a long time.
"Oh God, can't handle this anymore...wait..." And I never felt this nervous too, na muntik ko nang di napansing our emotions are leaking.
"Masyado ka atang excited. Napaka-higpit kasi ng hawak mo."
That sure was embarassing and what better way na maghiganti than to hold it even tighter and stroke it real slow. "Huwag ka namang ganyan, masyadong masarap."
"Fine." Iyon na siguro sign namin for us to stop...for now. Napatayo na lang akong bigla papunta sa banyo. Nasa utak niya siguro, umiiral na naman pagka-OC niya. Who would believe na ginagawa namin 'to nang parehas kaming pawisan dahil sa buong-araw na lipat-bahay?
Kahit na ganun, his scent is still strong, so manly I can't even think of resisting. I must ask him the brand next time.
I should be thankful to my parents na nagawa nilang lagyan ng water heater itong banyo. Yung init ng tubig yung kailangan ko para magising ang diwa ko - no, di ka 18 years old para mag-dudang panaginip lang 'to. He's there outside, wondering bakit ikaw lang nasa shower mag-isa kung pwede naman kayong sabay to conserve water. Joke.
Parang bata kong tinatanong sarili ko kung gusto ko ba talaga 'to - I can always back out, nagawa ko na 'to noon. Pero mas nanaig sa akin yung self-doubt - do I look good to him? Am I willing to show that vulnerable me hiding in this strong facade?
Aw, fuck. Naiwan ko yung baon kong sabon sa labas. Of all the things na puputol sa pagda-drama ko.
"Naiwan mo sabon mo..." He could've opened the door pero naisip pa rin ni Jordan na kumatok. "May dala ka bang damit? Akala ko di mo planong magpa-gabi dito?"
"Supposedly. Di pa naman madumi iyang damit ko." I'm an epic fail of a Boy Scout.
"Kung gusto mo pahiramin na lang kita, meron ako sa bahay-"
"Huwag na, nakakahiya sa iyo-"
"Alam ko gaano ka ka-OC, Lou, kaya sige na..." Wala akong kamalay-malay na hinahalukay na pala niya laman ng bag ko. "Ano 'to, sachet ng Freshmen?"
Iyon lang pala ang magiging pain para buksan ko ang pinto. "Gago, akin na iyan!"
His eyes were rolling around, then going up and down inspecting everything.
"Akala ko magkukulong ka na diyan, di mo kasi binubuksan yung pinto..." Reaksyon niya na parang wala lang lahat ng nakita niya. "Ikukuha ko na sana kita ng damit."
"Huwag ka nang mag-abala."
"Kasi di rin naman natin kakailangin mamaya?" Matinik talaga itong isang 'to.
"May sinabi ba ako?" Yung dila ko talaga, buwisit. Hindi ko na mababawi iyon.
"Thank you. Di na rin naman ako nag-expect."
Saka ko binuksang buo ang pinto para makapasok siya. Ang sosyal daw na may water heater ako habang siya nagtitiis sa takure sa bahay niya. Then he throw away all his stuff sa labas na daig pa yung batang excited para sa kiddie swimming pool. Pinabayaan ko lang muna siya sa tapat ng shower habang ako naman di namamalayang naka-tulala na pala ako.
"Lumapit ka dito, para namang di tayo close."
"Di naman talaga, ah?"
"Edi gawin nating close ulit!" Abot ng kamay niya para ayain akong magtapat kami habang pumapatak yung mainit na tubig.
Then he let go of my hand to wrap his around my body instead. "Namiss ko 'to."
"Ako rin." Wala man lang doubt sa sagot ko na iyon.
Kung di lang niya pina-alala na masamang matulog nang basa ang ulo mo, nakatulog na siguro ako dahil sa pagod. It was a long day, at baka umabot pa sa abutan na kami ng umaga with how we're wasting time in this bed in awkward silence.
Noong bata pa kami, we made the decision na we'll both be versa, kahit na sa una naming experience I was the one who give way. Unfair daw kasi that I was the one carrying the pain for the pleasure, kahit na hindi naman ganoon once you try the other way. It might be the reason kaya nahihiya siya sa harap ko as he has no idea what I wanted.
"So...tutunga-nga lang ba tayo dito?" Medyo annoyed kong tanong habang nakaharap sa kanya, parehas naka-indian seat habang nagpapatuyo ng buhok.
"Wait...shet, di ko alam anong gagawin ko!" Ano 'to, first time lang sa amin ulit? "As in, gusto mo talagang all in?"
"Parang kanina ang lungkot-lungkot natin tapos ngayon di mo malaman kung matutuwa ka o ewan. Baliw ka din, eh no."
"Siya, sagutin mo na ako ng matino."
"Let me play with you for a while...like a pet." It must have triggered something in him para mas lalo siyang ma-excite.
"So ano ako, aso ganun? Pusa? Rabbit?"
"Anaconda." Grabeng funny lang talaga ng mga linya ko.
Without further ado, he resumed exploring my body. I let him on top of me as he give me those passionate kisses again, all while his hands are full. Pero yung mas gumulat sa akin is when he took me in for a taste. I've never felt this warm inside, with all the vibrations giving me pleasure. The way he gives me head makes my head insane. Di ko namamalayan, my hands are making pleas on top of his head, lightly pulling his hair as I plea for more.
If not for my short warning, I might have exploded inside him. It might've been unfair that I let go before him even if he doesn't seem to mind. Not even the fact na halos nakalimutan na naming the towels we used a while ago are still around.
I felt obliged to give back the favor to him. I struggled for a while with his manhood filling me - it was so unfamiliar yet so interesting. His thrusts were expressing approval as I play around it like candy. Ganun ba daw galit ko that I'm killing him with satisfaction?
Eventually that wouldn't be enough to satisfy his appetite. I wouldn't mind more inside me if it means we get over our confusions once and for all.
"Let me know kung masakit..." Pag-aalala niya as he tests my patience with his fingers. Ang weird lang sa simula, but as he tries more of them you can't help but crave for more - replace it with something harder and faster. His fingers are meant for better places anyway.
"You're doing great. Keep it that way."
"Paano kung two?"
This is definitely not enough. He wins this time, bulong ko sa sarili ko. I'll let go of my pride only to replace it with these awesome memories.
"Take it slow..." Utos ko as he prepares for that moment of truth. Surely but slowly, I learned how to accept him again. My wits are all lost so might as well itodo na, di ba?
Eventually he learns how to pull his trigger. Our moans go slower then loader and higher, reaching a crescendo you can't find in any choir. This music was made by us, for us alone.
In the end, what supposed to be a happy moment turned out to be more nostalgic. Our eyes are focused on each other so we can't deny na parehas nang may luha sa mga mata namin, kahit mababaw lang. Kung happiness ba iyon reflecting how we miss each other's arms, or fear due to uncertainty what happens the next day, di rin namin alam.
Everything great eventually comes to an end, and his release signals the end our of our play. Yung paghabol namin ng hininga is a sign that it's a victory for both of us after all - that we we able to accept each other no matter how much bad blood there's supposed to be in between.
"Thank you." I couldn't count how many time Dan have said that today.
"No, thank you din. You were awesome. Much better than I remember."
"Ikaw din naman."
Di ko alam anong oras kami natapos, with my eyesight becoming blurry and can't distinguish anong nasa orasan. Sa totoo lang, I made silent prayers for that night not to end. He didn't deserve this, not for the reasons he was expecting. I did not deserve this too.
I can't be having sex with a guy knowing I might give him up eventually anyway.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone