Chapter 1: A broken mind..
How can I describe the state of my mind? Which words should I use? Will it make sense to anyone reading? I know I'm not the only one caught in the grips of despair, but I don't want to speak of it. I don't even wish to write it down. I feel such shame! It's all my fault. I know I have sabotaged myself into this state. This heaviness that has me unmotivated to do anything to correct the sad state of my life.
How can I do anything when my mind is broken? Why can't I snap out of it? Why can't I reach my dreams? Why do I keep disappointing myself? I am not even truly living. Simply drifting. I wish I did not have to wake up. I wish I could just sleep myself to death. Would death offer relief? My mind and heart are so heavy, it feels as if my body wishes to succumb as well.
Depression is very different from feeling sad. It's not a simple funk you can just snap out of. You can't simply have a good cry and feel refreshed. It's almost like a form of OCD. The feelings are there with you all the time. It spoils every moment of relief. Any time you feel a bit better, it immediately springs up to remind you that you're supposed to be miserable. And you can't refuse it.
I personally, am not interested in crying. It won't help. Instead, it'll become a bad habit. On top of feeling like shit all the time, I'll now have to deal with these irrational bursts of pain. I feel that as long as I can keep my tears at bay, then I'm okay. I'm not doing too bad. I'm miserable, yes. But I'm not out of control. I don't feel like having this control at times. I wish I could just cry until it broke me. Then, maybe, I'll decide to finally stop being a coward and get my life in order.
Unfortunately, I'm far too lazy to fix myself. I put off everything. The thought of failure is so daunting, I don't even wish to try. Trying is such a task for me. I wish I could just take that first step and keep on walking. I wish I could run forward and stop looking back, but my mind has pitted itself against me. I can't let go of my regrets. My past is crushing my confidence. I don't know how long I can carry on. I'll be dead if I can't change.
I don't wish to hurt anyone other than myself. I've caused so much trouble and grief for others. I've been stupid, selfish and unkind. I've projected anger onto people that did nothing to deserve it. Anger that is meant for myself. My mind is spinning. I feel weak. Perhaps, I deserve this despair. Maybe I'm meant to suffer for the rest of my life. Is that the only way to atone for my sins? Do I have to keep dwelling and feeling like shit to clear the stain off my soul?
For how long? I desperately need a solution.
If not, then how long can I comfort eat? How long can I maintain my delusions? I can lie to others, but I cannot lie to myself. I can tell others: No, no I'm fine. I'm just tired. Nothing's wrong. Thanks for worrying.
But I cannot tell myself that. Either I get better or I will seek death. I desire to be in a state of non-existence. I don't want to be myself.
My memories are my worst enemies. They refuse to let me be. And now that I'm an adult, I can see my fuckups for what they truly are. It's been years. I should just learn from them and tell myself: Cool. I know better. Never again will I fuck up in that way.
But I do continue to fuck up. Not as much as then, but the bitterness and self-disgust within me makes my mind unstable. And it leeches out onto others. I try to keep it contained, but I can't always help it.
Just being around people is too difficult for me. Mundane interactions are akin to moving a foreign limb. I don't how to be at ease. I struggle to be a good person. Feeling good is such a struggle. I feel anxious anytime I feel even the least bit happy. Being miserable is the norm.
There is a demon living in my mind. And it is slowly eating away at me. It wants me to suffer. And I can't get rid of it.
The bit of light in my mind is diminishing more and more everyday. The demon is winning. It has reduced me to a state where I do not want to even lift a single finger to help myself.
I understand myself and at the same time I know nothing. What am I even capable of? Will I ever know? It's a lot to unpackage.
I doubt all my words will make sense to everyone. Just take from it what you will. If you have hope and happiness in your life then cherish it more. I've long lost mine.
I'm simply drifting between despair and distractions. I'm not happy. I can't make myself happy.
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