Where am I? Why is it so dark? I remember being sent to the hospital for the umpteenth time. Why does my life have to suck so much? I just wanted to go out with my family. It was my little sister's birthday and the whole family came to celebrate. Uncles, aunts, cousins and friends came. She had turned eighteen and was soon going off to college.
I just wanted to be there. To be with them, my family. I still remember the look on my sister's face before I was rushed off in an ambulance. She looked annoyed, angry even. I've been in and out of the hospital for as long as I can remember. I have three older brothers and a younger sister. My parents have worked so hard to make enough money to take care of five children and add in the fact that one is always sick and in need of medical aid.
I took up so much of their time at first. But over time it seemed like the family just accepted that I would never get better. That I would always be a burden. My brothers rarely spent time with me. They were boys who wanted to run around and play. Have fun and make friends. I could not keep up.
Mother would scold them, telling them to be more gentle with me or to wait for me. You know, kids can be pretty ruthless. Didn't take long for them to grow resentful. All the times they missed out on things because I wasn't strong enough to keep up.
Eventually my parents noticed what was happening and decided to let the others have their fun without me. They got to go out and play, join sports teams or clubs. While I was at home or the hospital, too sick and weak to join them.
Even my father, who was a former jock and die hard football fanatic began distancing himself from me. He would take my brothers out to watch games while saying, "sorry Nathan, the game is coming up and I don't want your brothers to miss it. You can come next time okay?"
Next time never came. Dad would pour everything in their development as football players. Taking them to camps, volunteering to help out the little league team and even coaching part time.
I was happy that they were having fun. I just wish they would include me in the events. They would have animated conversations about certain events, players or games. Whenever I would try to join in they would say, "you don't know what you're talking about". Or, "how would you know?"
I think the greatest turning point was when one day they were getting ready for an important game. Weeks went into preparing for this other team and my brothers were the cornerstones of their team's victory. I was luckily healthy enough to attend and I was so excited. I wanted to watch them be great. They seemed to really want to show their skills to their younger brother.
As the family was driving to the game I got sick, really sick. They had to rush me to the hospital ASAP and they missed the game because of it. The team lost and my brothers blamed me for it. Even dad was a bit upset. Mom was disappointed, I never knew if it was in them for their behavior or in me for ruining another family outing.
It wasn't the first time plans had to be canceled because of me. I've had stomach cancer for as long as I can remember and they were never able to fully get rid of it. Not only that but I had tumors in my brain that effectively removed my sense of taste. So not only did I have a severely fucked up stomach, to the point that eating food was always a difficult endeavor. But because of the tumors, the food that I could eat tasted like absolutely nothing.
To see a pizza and smell the pizza. To see the faces of others as they ate and enjoy the food based on their facial expression. And to take a bite of it yourself and taste absolutely nothing, is the most gut wrenching thing I have ever experienced.
To be at birthday parties and not taste the delicious looking cake that your mother spent hours preparing. I could live with stomach cancer, but to be robbed of taste, it is so painful.
But something great happened. Mom got pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful little girl. When she was born she became the focus of everyone's attention. Everyone doted on her and she became a spoiled little princess. I'm also guilty of this too but my god, thing's became real clear after some time.
All those excuses of not having time for me, but suddenly everyone has time now. My brothers who would claim being too tired from school and practice to hang out or even sit and talk. Were always around for her. Dad who all but ignored me at this point and was always 'busy', never missed a single event that she was a part of.
Even mom who I was closest to. Who was there at the hospital more often than the rest. Giving me all the support and encouragement a mother should. That is until she was born. She all but cast me aside. I got used to the others ignoring me. But mom, who was my rock, my best friend, well my only friend. When she started ignoring me, I hit rock bottom.
Her presence, her strength and her smile made me want to fight, to live. She was the one who got me into anime, manga, web novels and the like. We would read and watch all kinds of different titles together. All that changed when she was born and my mental health suffered because of it.
I was a smart kid but because I was always sick I had to be homeschooled. I had no friends and the one person who was my everything left me. I never resented my sister. It was not her fault, this was happening before she was born. It's just that losing mom was a crushing blow.
So here I was, trying to celebrate my sister's birthday, when once again my body gave out on me. But that face that my sister had, it really cut deep. I gave her all the support and attention an older brother should. Heck, I was the one to help her in her school work. I helped as much as I could and was always supportive. So to see that look on her face. I hurts so much. Why do I have to suffer? Why do I have to be alone? Why! Why me! Why why why! Ahhhh!
I want to die.
Just writing for fun. Y’all know what to do, leave a comment and or review. Peace ✌️