Chapter 9: Daddy Dearest
The walk back from the training cabin was full of laughter and kindness. I had a slight limp...For obvious reasons. Levi had his arm wrapped loosely around my waist and was telling me a story about Oluo.
As we got closer to camp, Levi got quieter and more tense. It wasn't hard to figure out why. This was the last time we'd be this close. Soon he'll go back to being my Captain, and I, his cadet.
Sadness washed over me at the thought of not getting to see Levi's soft side again, but I ignored it. I agreed to this and I don't regret Levi being my first. I've always survived day to day, so at least I won't die a pathetic virgin.
Once we reached the tree line, Levi removed his arm and walked a few feet ahead of me. Erwin was waiting at the entrance, as per usual, but something was off. He gave me a cautious and conflicted look, before dragging Levi off.
Whatever, I'll ask Levi later. I say a quick hi to Armin and Mikasa, then head upstairs where the others are. My limp isn't very noticeable, but I can see Petra eyeing me with a smirk.
Not again! How can someone so innocent-looking be so perverted? Everyone gives me a little wave as I join them where they're huddled together on the sleeping bags. Pulling out a Gatorade, I take a gulp.
"So... How was your first time?" Petra asks with a smirk.
The Gatorade that I was attempting to swallow got sucked down my throat, making me choke and sputter. Is she trying to tell everyone? No, with that smirk, she wants details. Okay, I'll tell her without actually letting the others know.
"Your first time training with the Captain..." she corrects, still grinning.
"Oh, it was great! He's very... Skilled."
"Yeah, he sure is. Is that why you're limping?"
"Yeah, he didn't hold back. It went on for houuuuuurrrs."
By now, the others had sorta caught on. Oluo was blushing and muttering, while Eld covered Gunther's ears and sent us a look. Petra and I make eye contact and bust out laughing, leaning against each other with tears running down our cheeks.
Two pairs of footsteps came up the stairs, before I was pulled roughly to my feet. I looked up in shock to see an angry Levi. No, he was furious. The others seemed just as shocked as me. What was his deal...?
"Eren, grab your shit and meet us at the lake!" Levi growls out before throwing me down.
I barely manage to catch myself and then I glare at him. Whatever is going on, he could just explain instead of being so aggressive. Levi ushers everyone out, leaving me and Erwin.
"Erwin, why did Levi do that..?" I ask quietly.
"I've watched you since you got here and I've seen how hard you work. But none of us truly know you. You've told us nothing about yourself, except your name. Do us a favor and just answer honestly." Erwin says, then heads out to meet the others.
So, they just want to know stuff about me? Levi could have just fucking said that instead of hurting me and why do I need my stuff if we're just talking? I'm quick to grab my duffel and rush to the lake.
I've got a very bad feeling about this. That look Erwin gave me when Levi and I got back. I should've known something was wrong and not brushed it off. When I get there, everyone is looking at me with mixed emotions.
I'm guessing Erwin caught them up, so maybe he can clue me in too. As one, they all sat on the log, except Levi, who leaned against a tree nearby with an unreadable look. I slowly sink onto the rock across from the others.
"What's going on? You guys are worrying me..." I say quietly.
"You can't lie and act anymore. We know the truth. For someone who claims to hate fake people, you might just be the worst of them." Levi growls out.
Truth.. What truth are they talking about? I wrack my brain for any possible answers, but nothing pops up. I haven't lied to any of them. They've never asked me about my life before, so I never brought it up.
"Please just tell the truth, kid. Maybe this is a misunderstanding." Eld says with a guarded look.
I pull at my hair and look at them. What are they even talking about?! I'm so confused...
"Tell you the truth about what? What truth?! I don't understand. One second I'm joking with Petra and the next... This."
After I say that, Levi walks up to me and yanks my head to the side to face him.
"So... You never thought it'd be a good idea to let us in on the fact that, not only are you related to Grisha, but he's your fucking dad!"
I push Levi away and stare at them all in shock. This is what they're all freaking out about!?
"I wasn't keeping it a secret from you. I just didn't think it mattered. It doesn't change anything."
"Untrue, Eren. We've seen what type of person Grisha is and you're his son. We would believe you weren't a conniving bastard like him, but you've been keeping this from us for months." Erwin says in a hard voice.
Not him too... Why does it even matter who sired me? I'm nothing like Grisha!
"I've met men like him. People who hide in the shadow of others and wait to strike. Power hungry, backstabbing, monsters, the whole lot!" Gunther says in a serious tone.
I really wish Gunther would bust out laughing right now and say this was just a big joke. Maybe it is... Yeah, they've gotta be fucking with me.
"You guys are joking, right...? Petra?" I say, looking over at her for help.
Her eyes are full of unshed tears and she's hugging herself around the middle. She... She can't be on their side in this. She has to realize how much they're overreacting.
"Don't even look at her! You say you're not like Grisha and yet, this whole time you've been here, you've been lying. Not only that, but the fight with Grisha was staged. You've been working with him to get in the Levisquad this whole time, like a spy." Levi said.
"A spy! Do you hear yourself right now?!" I yell.
"Eren, do you deny that you've been working with Grisha?"
I look at all of them. These are my "supposed" friends, turning on me the instant they hear any incriminating rumor.
"No, I don't. I did work for him, but it wasn't by choice. He threatened to get you to kick me from the settlement if I didn't join the Levisquad... But that fight wasn't staged! Levi, we trained over the last few days, so you know that I'm skilled. Tell them!" I say desperately.
I thought that maybe, just maybe, Levi had realized how stupid they sounded and would clear it up. But I was wrong... So very wrong.
"Tch! That whole trip was a mistake. I would never have let you join the Levisquad if I had known who you were. You're as much of a monster as your dad!" he yells, angrily.
Oh, I see. It was all a mistake. He's right, this whole thing had been a mistake... I should have never stumbled upon this warehouse. Humans are evil, cruel beings that turn on each other on a whim. Fine, they want the truth! I'll give it to them..
I stand up and shoulder my duffel bag before standing in front of them. They're all looking at me with anger and betrayal and it hurts. No, emotions are pointless. Emotions are what got me into this mess. Then, I burst into hysterical laughter, confusing the others.
"Y..You think I'm like my father. Don't make me laugh—"
"Eren, calm down. We can talk this out, sweetie. Remember, I told you I loved you. We're family and families fight sometimes, right guys?" Petra asks, looking to the others.
"It's fine, kid. Why don't we go inside and finish this chat once we've all gotten a bit of sleep?"
Nods of agreement follow Gunther's words, except from Erwin and Levi. Erwin seems to be deep in thought and Levi is staring at me with so much hate that it makes me cringe. No, this would never work.
"No, Petra... I'm not a part of your family. You don't have to defend me. Levi was right about one thing... I am a monster." I say softly.
"But—"
"But you were wrong about the other thing, Levi. Grisha is a defenseless baby compared to me. I've been killing since I was six and killing men three times your size since I was eight. Grisha is my blood, but he is no father of mine."
"You don't have to continue, Eren. I've made my decision and you're free to stay. I trust you."
"Erwin, you can't be serious! He just admitted to being a killer and you trust him under the same roof as everyone?"
"Levi, why are you doing this? We don't know half of what he's been through. At least let him explain." Eld says.
"Everyone's been through shit! We've been through shit! This whiny brat doesn't know the half of it!" Levi growls out harshly.
By now, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. My emotions are all over the place and I just can't seem to get them under control. Betrayal, anger, pain, sadness, self-loathing, hatred. All swirling around in my chest until, nothing...
All of it leaves at once, leaving me cold and numb. The others are staring at me with concern, but I couldn't care less. Why be concerned for a monster? Levi, Levi slept with a monster, that's rich!! Hahaha.
"You say I wouldn't know the half of it, huh? Remember when we were at the cabin with the others and you asked about the tattoo on my side?" I ask with a cold grin.
"What does that have to do with anything?!"
"That tattoo is covering a stab wound. The man you guys compared me to, my so-called father, stabbed me when I was nine as a way to teach me pain tolerance."
"I'm not going to feel sorry for a killer..." he says quietly, while the others watch the exchange, silently.
I look him up and down and smile a sardonic grin. There is no emotion in my eyes and I can see Levi hesitate. He's running out of anger, what a pity.
"Well, you didn't seem to mind sleeping with one. The black roses on my hips that you kissed. Wanna know what those are?"
I'm not in control anymore. It's like my emotions put me in such a shocked state that I was spitting out word vomit. I didn't want them to know, but they'd already confronted me and broke my trust. When Levi didn't answer, I continued.
"My first kill was a pretty blonde the same age as me, with a white shirt that was covered in black roses. I sliced into her from hip to hip with those knives I'm always carrying around. You basically kissed a killer's trophy.. Ironic, isn't it?" I say softly.
Talking about it just brought up all those memories I'd tried so hard to bury. I was self destructing and I just needed to leave before I made things even worse.
They didn't need to know that I didn't have a choice. That I HAD to kill. Like Levi said, they won't feel sorry for a killer. It's for the best if they learn of the real me, so they know.
I felt a small hand on my shoulder, jolting me from my thoughts and making me flinch. It's been awhile since I've had trouble with being touched... Petra was staring up at me with warm, understanding eyes.
She's the one I'm going to miss the most, aside from Armin, of course. Petra saw past my half-truths. She knew that I wouldn't kill someone without a reason. That just made it even harder to pull away from her.
"Eren, I know you. You aren't a monster or a killer. They don't know you like I do.. Tell us the rest. Tell them WHY you killed them. Tell them WHY you flinch from every touch or loud sound." Petra said, with a look of determination I knew so well.
Not this time, Petra. You can't defend me against the truth. Just like Armin, making up stories and defending me, even though I don't deserve it. I look up at the others and try to memorize their features. I don't want to forget.
I need to remember why I can't trust people. Though Petra defended me, the others still looked at me with cautious, guarded looks. They weren't going to trust me again and I wasn't going to trust them either.
"Petra, thank you for everything. You remind me so much of my mom that every day I was around you, I felt like she was there too. But... You can't defend me anymore. My body count is in the triple digits. There's no coming back from that..." I say softly.
Kissing Petra's cheek, I start to walk back the way we had come, but get stopped by a hand gripping my shoulder. I pivot and press my knife against the person's throat, with a bored expression. Levi?
"What else aren't you telling us, brat?" Levi asks in a quiet, conflicted voice.
Pain lanced through my chest at the familiar name. He always called me brat, has since the beginning... I remove the knife and remove his hand from my shoulder.
"I don't know what you're talking about and neither does Petra. She just doesn't want to believe that what you said was true. One final word of advice. To surpass monsters, you must be willing to abandon your humanity."
And then I walk off, not getting stopped again. I keep walking and don't turn back until it got too dark to continue. Armin and Mikasa were probably worried, but this was for the best. I don't know if I could handle their fear once they found out the truth.
I look around and realize I'm in front of the bookstore that Levi made fun of me in. He thought it was hilarious that I'd go in a bookstore in the middle of the zombie apocalypse.
I trace my steps back a bit and go into the bar a block down from the bookstore. This is as good a place as any to camp for the night. Locking the door and pulling down the blinds, I go behind the counter and grab a full bottle of a white liquid.
I know what you're thinking, "You'll drink yourself to death!" That's kinda the point. Everything is just too much. The very people who slowly started to put me back together, were also the same ones who shattered me into a million pieces.
So cliche, right? The people who glued me back together ended up being the ones to finish me off. They are a walking oxymoron.
Grisha's torture was nothing compared to the pain ripping through my chest. My breath was coming in short pants and I was pulling at my hair, screaming at the top of my lungs. Fuck the zombies! Let them come!
Yanking the cap off the bottle, I chug the whole bottle of vodka quickly before grabbing another bottle. The alcohol burned my chest and throat, but it was so much better than that cold, numb feeling that made me feel like I was dying.
I continue to drink until my body collapses to the floor. My limbs have the prickly feeling. You know, the one where you sit on your leg and it goes numb, but then starts to feel like you're getting shocked by a taser. Yeah, that one.
My mind was hazy and my surroundings blurred together, but I pushed past it. I felt around in my pocket and shakily gripped the handle of my silver blade. A blade that, now that I think about it, looked pretty damn close to Levi's eye color.
Yanking up the sleeves of my sweatshirt, I trace the blade over my scars, carefully. I was too far gone to care about consequences now. To think that I had been through hell and back, but this... This betrayal, was going to kill me.
That's downright pathetic! Putting the knife away, I take up another bottle and drink. The menthols in my bag are pulled out next. I smoke and drink for a long time.
I'm in a constant drunken haze, making it difficult to tell how many days had passed. The fact that I haven't died from alcohol poisoning yet, amazes me. How am I still alive?
My eyes are glazed and staring blankly at the wall in front of me. Hunger and thirst assault my senses, but I continue to lean against the bar. There's no point in wasting food on a dead man. Maybe someone will find my duffel and it will save their life.
At least, I hope. Maybe it would be one good thing I could do to atone for my sins. No... There's nothing that would fix what I've done. I bet you think I'm a murderer too. You wouldn't be wrong, so I don't blame you.
Days of drinking passed in a blur. Drink, stare at a wall, piss outside if needed, then restless sleep full of nightmares. Memories I had brought back to the surface when I broke in front of them.
Them... I can't even remember who "them" is, but it must have been bad if this is the outcome. I think I've finally had enough to drink. Empty, broken bottles lay all around me with glass littering the wooden floor.
Grabbing a book from my bag, I start reading through blurry eyes. This book was familiar. It was a dark parody, set in medieval times. I remember talking to someone about it, but I couldn't remember.
My muddled mind couldn't understand anything, at the moment. I had reread the same sentence five times and still couldn't understand it's meaning. Throwing the book back in my bag, I grab the knife back out of my pocket.
I've had my fun. Those few years of peace where I got to enjoy my passion, away from my dreadful father. Those were all memories I cherished and held close. So many of my own personal art projects were left unfinished, but it didn't bother me anymore.
Rolling up my sleeves, I slice into the skin lightly, leaving a thin line of red. But it wasn't enough. I felt numb and cold, like a corpse, and that prick of pain did nothing to soothe it. The next cut is deeper, blood actually leaking from this one.
I continue slicing into my arm until there is no room left and my arm is stained red. Then, I do the same to the other arm. I avoided cutting into the numerical tattoo and the quote, but everywhere else was covered.
My head felt light and heavy all at once, as if I'd pass out at any moment. I can't tell whether it's from the alcohol, blood loss, or maybe even dehydration. A person can go three days without water before their system starts to shut down.
Alcohol dehydrates you faster, so that speeds up the process. Pulling my bag to me, I grab a water bottle and chug the contents. The lukewarm water slides down my sore throat, easing the pain slightly. I could feel my eyes start to close, but I wasn't done.
I traced the blade over the puckered scar beneath my Phoenix tattoo and smiled. This had always made me feel sick to look at. Grisha had ruined me and left scars all over my body, but this one was the worst.
But this scar wasn't his anymore, it was mine! With that thought in my drunken head, I plunge the knife into the scar. Pain rushes through my gut, but I know I didn't puncture anything vital. As long as I kept the knife in, it should stifle the blood flow a bit.
I shift around against the bar, trying to find a comfortable position, then grab a can of root beer I found under the bar when I first got here. Seeing the root beer made me think of Armin and what he would think if he saw me like this.
Bloody and broken, with no expression on my tear-stained face. He'd be disappointed in what I've become. I've always been the strong one in our friend group, both physically and emotionally. But look at me now...
I'm a mess. With blood running down my arms and a knife sticking painfully from my side. And yet, I was somehow still alive. Alcohol poisoning or blood loss should have took me by now, but I was fine.
Exhausted and in pain, but fine. Pain shot through my body as I shifted against the bar again. The blade in my side, making it difficult to move. I'm surprised no zombies smelled the blood and tried to break in...
Tiredness seeped into my bones as I leaned against the dusty, old bar. As my eyes were slowly falling closed, I started to hear banging against the front entrance. Oh goodie, the zombies have finally come for me, I thought as darkness overtook my vision.
CREATORS' THOUGHTS 
rythebiguy
rythebiguy Anyone sensitive to triggering topics like suicidal thoughts/actions/attempts should probably skip to the next chapter once it starts.
I don't want to trigger anyone, so stay safe and I'm sorry in advance. Next chapter will be in Levi's pov, because I think our broken boy needs a break.
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