Chapter 12: Insanity
I was in an endless abyss of darkness. I didn't know how much time had passed, because time held no sway here. It was an odd feeling to be swallowed by darkness. I felt darkness's companionship, but also felt alone.
Here and not here, Eren and nobody all at once. I couldn't remember anything before the darkness, except my name and another's. Levi. It rang throughout my head repeatedly, like a symphony, but even that started to fade into the darkness.
Where was I? How did I get here? Or have I been here all along...? Insanity started to eat at my thoughts. Was this reality or a dream? What was real? My mind couldn't distinguish the difference between the two.
What could dictate what was reality and what wasn't? Was there a grey area or was it all black and white? I felt no emotions, no pain, just thoughts. Some were ridiculous and others were unanswered questions that drove me further into insanity.
Then, a small glint of light caught my eye. It was a knife, no... It was two knives. Picking them up, I watch as the darkness shifts into a forest and in the middle is a girl. She seems about six, with pretty blonde hair and big, blue eyes.
What really caught my attention was her shirt. It was white with black roses. Why are the black roses so important, though? When I look back up the girl is right in front of me, but I don't flinch. She's holding a switchblade with shaky hands and hesitant eyes.
"Choose. You or her. Choose." a voice says in the darkness.
The voice didn't have an age or a gender, but it spoke with wisdom beyond years. I have to choose. Her or me? Without hesitation, I use my blades and slice from one hip to the other, watching crimson stain her shirt.
My surroundings warp and blur, before I'm in darkness once again. The knives are no longer in my hands, but I can still feel the girl's warm blood stain my hands. Her blood will always stain my hands, no matter how much I wash them.
The darkness changed again, showing me a doctor's room with a metal bed in the middle. Suddenly, I'm strapped to the bed and a man is standing over me, my father. A knife stabs into my stomach and I see ash float from the wound.
A Phoenix of blue fire flies from the wound, taking all the light around me. It's just me and the majestic bird, floating around in dark nothingness.
"We are one and the same. Death and then rebirth." the same voice said.
The voice echoed around me, making it impossible to locate the origin of it, but that didn't worry me at all. I didn't need to know. The darkness felt cool against my skin, while my hands and stomach felt warm.
I watch in fascination as red lines start to appear on both my arms, covering the tan flesh. There is no pain and nothing to make the marks, but they continued to appear. Then, I heard a soft, feminine voice in the darkness.
A beautiful woman with hazel hair and golden eyes holds my bleeding wrists gently.
"I love you. We are family and—"
Her words are cut off. As I stare into her eyes, the gold seems to expand and encompass us both in a warm light so bright I had to shut my eyes. A white light flashes and then dims to a faint golden glow.
I open my eyes to a brooke, surrounded by woods. There are people in the water, laughing and playing. Among them, is the woman who had looked at me with such tender care.
My vision goes black for a second and then I'm sitting on someone's shoulders while in the water. I'm facing a man and the woman from before is on his shoulders. The ravenette tickles the man holding me and then I'm pushed into the water.
Crystal blue surrounds me and throws me around, but I know I will not drown. A pale hand appears in front of me and I'm pulled to the surface when I take ahold of it. I instantly recognize the woman as my mother.
She's sitting in a rocking chair with me in her lap, stroking my head lovingly. The water had disappeared and everything around us was darkness, except us and the chair.
"To surpass monsters, you must be willing to abandon your humanity." the voice in the darkness whispered, quietly.
The words resonated deep within me, but they were forgotten almost as soon as they were said.
"Ignore them. Why don't we have a little chat, my little Ren." she says softly
I tried to talk, but there was nothing to say. Mom gave me an understanding look and continued.
"You shouldn't be here. Everything you saw. That was you, surviving, but it seems you've given up."
I take in her beautiful features and smile lightly. She's as beautiful as ever with her dark brown hair, cyan eyes, and fair skin. The only definition of beauty begins with the word mom. She is what I'd imagine beauty to be like.
"You think you've given up, but you haven't, sweetheart. You just needed to rest for a minute. But now it's time to go back to surviving." she says sadly.
Words finally manage to pass through me, but my mouth never opens.
"I think I'm going to live with you mom." my voice says into the darkness.
I see tears fall down her pale cheeks as she shakes her head. Confusion enters me. Why does mom look so sad? Does she not want to live with me anymore?
Her cold hand wraps around my own and then, with a bright flash of white light, we're in a room
I can feel mom's hand in mine as we observe the scene unfold. A skinnier, more sickly version of mom is laying in the bed of a white room with a younger me holding her hand. For a long time they just mumble unintelligible words, until the boy, I start crying.
While the tears run down his chubby cheeks, they run down mine as well. The cold from mom's hand was death. She wasn't here.
"You see now that you can't LIVE with me, right? I love you, but you have people who need you. There's one of them right there." she says with a small grin.
We're surrounded by darkness. Mom, me, and the ravenette slowly approaching. My gut coils with a variety of emotions when he stands in front of me. Levi. Levi. Levi.
The name is a chorus in my head as I stare at him. I can still feel mom's cold hand in my own as she smiles softly at him. Then, she looks at me with a bigger smile and starts to get swallowed by darkness, until it's only Levi.
"The others need you. I need you. Please wake up." a deep voice whispers.
Who said that? I've been looking at Levi the whole time and he didn't mutter a word, but I recognize that voice as his own. He was here, but he wasn't at the same time. I felt his warm hand in mine before we too were swallowed by darkness.
Even though there was nothing, I could still feel his large, calloused hand in my own and I squeezed it. He was here. I wasn't alone in the darkness anymore. I was being pulled farther into the darkness by him, but it was a different darkness.
This darkness was calm and aware. I felt it's breath on my back as the darkness started to fade into light. I felt a pull in my body and a breathlessness, then I was looking at another scene, a familiar one.
My eyes continue to scan my surroundings as I try to catch my breath. Where am I? Is this real? Will I fade into darkness again? I feel a presence next to me and see Levi.
His eyes are showing concern and his mouth is moving, but no sound is coming out. My ears are ringing and my head is pounding, but I can't look away from him. I'm scared that he'll disappear if I look away for even a second.
He disappeared from my view, before a crowd of people surrounds me. I recognize them all, but I'm so overwhelmed that it's hard to even function. My body and mouth aren't mine to control.
The darkness still controls me, even now. Did I wake up or is this just another illusion? The others are giving me relieved looks and I can see their mouths moving. But like Levi, they don't actually say a word.
The heavy silence is driving me up the walls and I feel insanity rub up against me like a cat vying for affection. Levi had returned and Armin was with him, but my focus stayed on Levi.
He kneeled in front of me and held out a drink and food, which I gladly took. In the darkness, I felt no hunger or thirst and I didn't, even now. But I'd do this if it wiped that concerned look off his face.
I felt the liquid soothe my sore throat and rinse away the dry, stale taste. The food was bland, but I ate it still. Levi took the trash from my lap and threw it away, my eyes following him as he went.
Armin walked up to him and I could see that they were conversing, but couldn't make up the words said. The others quickly dispersed, some disappearing from sight, while the others went to a corner of the room.
Why is it that some of them disappeared and were swallowed up by the darkness, but not others? Was there a pattern to the madness or was it random? A hand squeezes mine lightly and I make eye contact with Levi.
His beautiful silver-blue eyes that glint as dangerously as the blades I used to cut down that girl. Without realizing it, I had started stroking the fabric that covered one of the black roses on my hips.
Levi watched me curiously, but his mouth remained closed. Could I talk to him? Would the darkness allow me to or would I stay silenced? My mind felt a little less foggy and I had remembered why I was like this.
I wasn't mad, though. If this was reality, then I'm just happy I'm back. My hands go to my bandaged stomach, where I feel a slight warmth. Is the Phoenix there, just waiting to fly out again?
"Are you in pain?"
He speaks quietly, but I flinch anyway. That is the first time I've actually been able to hear words. My eyes stare at his lips and wait to see if he actually spoke or it was a trick of hearing.
"Do you understand what I'm saying, Eren?" he asks softly.
I watched his soft, pink lips make each syllable as he spoke. If he could speak, maybe I could too. Warmth flooded my body when my name left his mouth.
"Umm..."
I grumbled, but my mind couldn't think of words to say. Nothing made sense and I could see the darkness start to swallow the room around us. My muscles tensed and I grabbed Levi's hand, trying to keep him from disappearing.
I didn't want to be alone again. I'd take Levi's company over insanity's any day, but the darkness had other plans. We were all swallowed by it's abyss, but I could still feel his warm hand in mine.
"Eren, are you alright?"
I whimpered and pulled his hand to my chest. Why does darkness have to take everything from me? No, it hasn't taken him yet. I could feel his arm against my chest.
If I held on, darkness couldn't swallow him. I felt the darkness pull him from me, making me lose my grip on his arm. Then, I was alone in darkness once again. Quiet sobs wracked my small body as I sat in the familiar darkness.
"Eren, I'm going to pick you up, okay?" Levi's soft, deep voice enters the darkness.
True to his word, his warm arms pick me up, cradling me like a child. I could feel us moving, but did not care where we went as long as Levi stayed. A door opened and closed, then my eyes were assaulted by a bright light.
I take in my surroundings and see us in the storage room, a circular flashlight chasing the shadows away. Levi is staring down at me with big silver eyes surrounded by dark circles. Did I do that to him?
Guilt crashed through me and I wiggle until he places me on the tile floor. His arms stayed around my waist as my legs shook with the task of holding me up. I've never felt this weak before, even after Grisha had stabbed me.
"Is this better? The light, I mean." he asks quietly.
I nod and take a few slow, shaky steps until my legs are used to holding my weight again. Levi hesitantly lets me go, so I can walk around the room and get my bearings. I'm going to have to exercise daily to get back in the shape I was...
"Jesus Eren, you just woke up today! Please just sit and talk to me.."
There is a desperation in his tone that catches me off guard and makes me turn to him. His body is shaking slightly and he looks so vulnerable. When he leans against the wall and slides to the floor, I rush to his side.
Before I can react, I'm pulled into his lap, with his arms wrapped around me and his face in the crook of my neck. We stay like that for a long time, just enjoying each other's touch in silence. I missed him so much.
I missed everyone so much! Loneliness and insanity didn't make for very good friends. Was that what was going on? Am I going insane now? Levi pulls away and looks into my eyes, before letting out a sigh of relief.
"Your eyes... They're cyan again. Does that mean you're fully here? Can you understand me?"
"...t you mean... cyan always... am I? Where....here?" I say with a crackle voice, but I still spoke.
I spoke! Finally, the darkness has lost its hold on me! Levi stares at me with a contemplative look, then I remember what I said. He is probably as confused as you are about what I said. Clearing my throat, I try again.
"My eyes... always cyan. 'm I back? I... I can't tell.." I say quietly.
I can't tell if this is another scene that darkness is showing me or if this is real. Has any of that not been real? Maybe I've been here the whole time and I'm just confused... A sharp pain settled between my eyes and I rubbed it.
Levi gently removed my hands and started doing what I had been doing. The pain was starting to ebb now that my thoughts had been interrupted.
"Yes, you're back. What do you mean, you can't tell?"
Was the darkness trying to trick me into admitting how scared and confused I actually was? Was darkness just using Levi as a puppet to give me a sense of security?
"I'm sorry... You don't have to tell me until you're ready, Eren. I know I broke your trust." he says quietly.
His head is downcast and his eyes are staring at his lap, but I saw the drop of liquid fall to his pant leg. Was he crying? This couldn't be the real Levi? He would never cry, especially over me.
Tilting his head up, I take in all of his familiar features. The pale ivory skin framed by whispy ebony locks and those grey-blue eyes, with tears leaking from them. My fingers wipe away his tears as he keeps his eyes anywhere, but on me.
"Are you real? This is real?"
His eyes meet mine quickly as he stares at me with shock. Was that such a strange question?
"I'm real. You're real, Eren! You're really here! Two whole weeks I waited for you to wake up, brat!" he says with a sad grin.
I'm real... I'm really here! He said I was asleep for two weeks, but the darkness felt timeless. It didn't feel like two weeks, but the weakness in my body was enough to prove otherwise. Two weeks of no movement is hell on the body.
I wrap my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, bursting into tears. His hands rubbed soothing circles on my back as my tears soaked into his shirt. I never thought that the darkness would let me go. Levi had saved me.
"Thank you for saving me!" I sob out.
"Saving you...? From what, Eren? What did you see while you slept?" he asks cautiously.
"The others need you. I need you. Please wake up. You said that to me and I heard you. It was hell, being stuck in the darkness."
"You heard me? Darkness? What are you talking about?"
"It was just me, surrounded by darkness. I couldn't remember anything, except two names... Your's and my own. I got thrown around into different memories until I couldn't even tell if it was real or not. I'm still not completely sure this isn't just another scene..." I say hesitantly.
He probably thought I was crazy, though, to be fair, I probably was. It's hard to go through what I've gone through and keep your sanity. Levi was looking at me with and unreadable look, but he continued to rub my back.
"I don't know how I can prove this is real, but just trust me when I say it is. If this is a dream, then we're both dreaming it at the same time. You don't know how happy we all are to see you awake... We were losing hope..."
"I... I'm not sorry for leaving.. But I'm also not upset anymore. Two weeks in the darkness, with only my thoughts as company, changed my perspective. I can't promise that I'll ever completely trust you guys again, though.." I say softly and cautiously.
He nods in understanding and it seems like a huge weight had lifted off his shoulders. He was really that torn up over the thought of me hating him?
"I have so much to ask you and so much more to say, but I wanted to start with an apology. I have a reason for my callous behavior that day, but it isn't an excuse for the way I treated you. Half of the stuff I said, I didn't even believe. Even while I was saying them, I had no doubts when it came to where your loyalties lied."
"So an apology can't change the past, but I hope it gives you some peace of mind to know that none of us doubt you and we're all sorry, especially me..." he says softly.
It was hard for my head to wrap around this new, vulnerable side of Levi. His usual stoic and cold behavior was replaced with a sad and caring counterpart. I could get used to this new him...
"If that would make you happy..." he mumbles while staring at me.
A blush floods my cheeks when I realized I said that out loud. Well, that's awkward... He shifts me into a more comfortable position on his laps and leans his back against the wall.
"It's going to be awhile before you can sleep in the dark, I'm guessing. So tomorrow I'll move our stuff in here and we'll sleep with that light on. I'll turn the brightness down over time until I can get you used to the dark again."
"We? Levi, you look like you haven't slept in weeks. You don't have to deal with my mental damage, on top of that."
"Yes, we. WE are in this together and I'm choosing to do this. To be honest... I couldn't sleep unless you were next to me, so Petra made me move my sleeping bag next to you."
"Stupid, stubborn insomniac..." I grumble under my breath.
I hear his beautiful laughter enter my ears, making me smile.
"You should do that more often.."
"What?" I ask, confused as fuck.
"Smile. You have a beautiful smile." he whispers quietly.
I smile wider and cuddle into his chest. He said we were in this together. He needs me as much as I need him... With those thoughts still in my head, I fall into a deep sleep.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone