Chapter 30: Someone You Loved
Eren's pov:
I was the first to wake up the next morning. After the hell they went through to get us back, it's not surprising that even Erwin is out cold. Warm arms are banded around my waist and my face is resting against the spot where his shoulder met his neck.
Even though my head wasn't near his chest, I could hear the soft thump of each heartbeat pumping blood through his veins. Running my nose over his throat, I almost groan at the slight smell of smoke still on his skin. I've never been a huge fan of barbecues, but he smelled delicious.
Yesterday was hard in more ways than one. My mother told me that I'd have to abandon my humanity to defeat monsters, but I don't think she had this in mind. My humanity wasn't completely lost, but I had become a monster—the thing I hated most.
A growl leaves my stomach and makes me flinch away from Levi and fall off the bed with a muffled thump.
"Eren?" Levi peaks his head over the edge of the bed and starts chuckling quietly.
I pout and pull myself into a sitting position, but stop when my stomach growls again. Ymir had given me food last night, but she said that I might still feel hungry for a few days. Levi tries to scoot closer, but I crawl away from him—away from his smell.
A chill travels through me as thoughts not my own start to breach my mind. Eat eat eat. Bite bite bite.
"Ymir?" I whimper, hoping he'll understand.
He looks like he's about to come closer, but just nods and rushes off. My surroundings start to get blurry and I can feel the slight tickle of something crawling up my toned stomach. Hunger claws it's way up my throat and makes me whimper.
"Eren.. Eren, can you hear me?" Ymir's voice breaks past the onslaught of thoughts.
I could feel it... The monster trying to take control or make me lose control—I couldn't tell. All I know was that it was hungry and didn't care if it fed on my friends or not.
"Leave, both of you!"
"No! Let me help."
Their voices started fading away, but I forced my body to stay stuck on the floor. Ymir didn't tell me much, but she told me what she knew. She thinks Grisha injected me with the same thing she was injected with and it turned me into what she calls a zombie shifter.
There is no name for what we are and so little we know. All Ymir knows is that we have to feed at least once a week or we could lose control. She never told me how she feeds, but I'm not sure I want to know anyway.
I can feel my body moving, but my eyes are tightly shut, trying to ignore my new cravings.
"I'm here. We're just going outside, okay?" Ymir says quietly.
I open my eyes after she places me on the damp grass. She is sitting next to me, patiently waiting for me to come to. I can't even begin to know how it must have felt to go through this alone. I had Ymir, but she was all alone...
"Do you want me to do it or are you going to?"
"Are you sure, Ymir? You told me that getting injured makes us hungrier... How do you even feed?"
"Eren, I wouldn't offer if I couldn't handle it. I have my ways, now eat!" Her command has my control snapping.
Taking her outstretched arm, I sink my teeth into the tan flesh and chew happily. Lapping up blood and bits of flesh that tasted faintly of something citrusy. Even though she was offering, I didn't want to hurt her too bad, so I'd only take a small amount. She said that feeding heals you and makes you stronger.
I force myself to pull away after a few small nibbles. Even though I watched the same thing happen last night, I still stare in awe as the wound closes, leaving only a small smear of blood. She wipes it on her dark pant leg and sends me a half-grin—probably the closest I'd get to actually seeing her smile.
One question had been bugging me since we talked last night, so I decided to just ask. "What would happen if you or I fed off the others? Would they turn? Be like us? What?"
"Neither. They would be fine, but they wouldn't heal quickly like us."
We both stand up and make our way back inside. Other than her skin being a bit paler, she looks alright. We split off and go our separate ways—me to Levi and her to Historia. Historia was the only person who she'd get close to, aside from me, but that was forced.
"Do you.. umm.. Feel better?" Levi asks quietly.
Looking around, I notice that the others are finally starting to stir and moving to do different tasks. A warm hand touches my cheek, pulling me from what I was looking at.
"Are you okay, brat?" He tries to sound nonchalant, but I can still hear the concern in his voice.
"Oh, yeah sorry. I just zoned out."
"What are those attacks? Do you know?"
I know that he is just worried, but I can't tell him. It's not that Ymir told me not to, in fact she even encouraged me to tell someone so I wouldn't feel alone, but I just couldn't. He already hated me for what I did to his sister. Maybe he'd finally kill me once he found out.
So I just said, "Don't know." And then started packing my duffel.
Levi had handed me my sniper when I had first awoken and Historia gave me my knives when we'd still been in the complex. Both were on me, both out of paranoia and just a safety blanket of sorts. I had been kidnapped in my sleep and tortured.
No one would be okay after that. I could still sometimes feel the blood that had clogged my throat, my ears, my nose. I was suffocating on it—
"Hey, it's okay."
I feel arms wrap around me and the smell of Christmas time wrap around us—Petra. Even when I was spiraling out of control last night, she didn't back down and pulled me out. I don't know how or why, but even the monster under my skin didn't want to hurt her.
Maybe she's just that likable. Only Petra could manage to tame the scariest of monsters... I swear she is too pure for this world.
A giggle sounds next to my ear. "Your monsters don't scare me Eren."
She didn't know, but she also didn't fear me...
"Ren."
"What?" Petra asks, pulling away in confusion.
"Call me Ren."
A bright smile spreads across her face, eyes crinkling with happiness, and she squeals and pulls me into another hug. I chuckle and pat her back, her body shaking with excitement.
"I thought you said not to call you that?"
I had never told anyone about my mother—no one except Jewel and a little to Levi.
"That was what my mom called me... It surprised me when you called me that. I'm sorry for the way I acted that day."
She waved her hand dismissively, my actions that day already forgiven. That was something that set her apart from many others. She didn't hold on to negativity nor did she hold others' actions against them. All she did was offer us honest, sage advice when we needed it.
"Oh, forgot to mention. Erwin want you and the rest of the Levisquad outside. Gotta go round up the other, see ya in a minute Ren."
The name sends a small pain through my heart, but there is something else this time.. A warmth that travels over that pain and soothes it. My mother is gone, but I am not alone anymore. Grisha is still out there, but I'm free from him now.
I walk outside, where everyone but Gunther, Eld, and Petra are gathered, and wait with them for the others. What is taking so long? Finally, Petra comes out with a grin and behind her are two blushing men. I send her a questioning look and she only grins wider.
"Sorry we were late. There were some... complications." Petra says with a wink in Gunther and Eld's direction.
I've never seen Eld look like that before. His pale face was as red as Levi's eyes when he was angry and he wouldn't meet anyone's eyes. Gunther's blush had faded and he was grinning at Petra like a maniac. What happened—
Oh... OH! Oh, shit!
I burst out laughing, holding my stomach from the slight pain it gives my healing ribs. Only Petra joins in the laughter, the others just waiting for us to calm down. They were used to our bullshit by now, I'd hope.
"You two done? Glad you're feeling better, Eren." Erwin adds the last part with a look of relief.
I knew that he was glad I was okay, but most of the relief was probably for my friend that could quit worrying now. Armin probably was refusing to put out until I got better.. Sending him a nod, I pull myself up and calm my laughter. Petra does the same and we wait for Erwin to speak.
"Okay, so as you all know, we are now free. They said they would open the Sina gate, but before that... We need to grab a few things. Guns, ammo, food, medicine, anything we'll need to survive."
We all nod in agreement. The zombies aren't under lock and key past the gate like they were here, so we had to be prepared. But this all depended on if the scientist would stick to his word, which I highly doubted.
"What happens if they don't open the gate?" I ask, voicing the question everyone shared.
Erwin looked past me in a daze and seemed to be deep in thought. He was our Commander—known for his insane gamble tactics and skill in combat. His gambles always manages to work out. Fuck, knock on wood! Don't wanna jinx it.
"We'll plan accordingly if that ends up being the case. You said something about seeing a guards barrack and the guards wearing some form of wall climbing gear, correct?"
"Well yes, but—"
"But nothing. If that is our only course of action, then I already have a plan."
Hange groans from her place, leaning against the doorway. "Is this one of those plans that is actually just an insane game of chance? I don't feel like playing Russian Roulette with a bunch of scientists crazier than me."
"At least you—" Hange cuts me off with a glare, already knowing where I was going with that.
Levi covers a snort with a cough and turns to Erwin expectantly. Everyone knew that Erwin was known to gamble, so now we just had to hear what we risked losing in this "plan".
"I'll only tell you the plan if those gates don't open. I have a feeling he'll open them, but we won't be free yet. He wouldn't open those doors and let us walk freely if he didn't already have a plan to dispose of us."
Levi takes on his Captain role and stares up at Erwin. "You think we're walking into a trap." It wasn't a question and yet, I hope they were wrong.
Just this once I wanted us to catch a break and have something go our way. Knowing Grisha's role, I already know that they plan to kill us after they open the gates. It's like a game—he gives us a sense of freedom and safety and then takes it right out from under us.
"Grisha won't let me go. They want us to think that we're free, safe. When we get to those gates, they'll open, but they won't let us leave alive." The others knew not to argue—if anyone knew them it was me.
"Grisha—"
"Ren's right." Petra interrupts with a glare in Levi's direction.
What was Levi going to say?
"What were you saying, Captain?" I ask, keeping my tone bland, disinterested.
A look of regret, and possibly guilt, passes over his face. He hadn't meant to say that out loud, but why does he look so guilty? The gunshot... Levi was standing between Grisha and I and I'm still alive, so that means...
"Is he dead?" I didn't know what to say, to feel at this moment.
The man who had ruined my life, tortured me, turned me into a murderer, was gone.
"Eren, I'm sor—"
"Don't you dare apologize." I snap.
He blinks up at me in surprise and then nods hesitantly. I really was free from him. The shackles that he had locked around me had fallen away when his life had been lost. And it was because of a man who saw me worth saving even when I begged him to end me.
A surprised noise leaves him when I pull him into a tight hug, resting my chin on his silky black hair. His hands pat my back awkwardly and I can't help but laugh. I'm free! We're free! I will do everything in my power to get them out of this hell.
I don't pull away, but turn to where I can face Erwin and the others and then I add, "I know a place full of supplies and I also know how to get in and out."
"Shiganshina?" Erwin asks, confused.
Last they had probably seen it was when they said they went looking for me. It was so full of dead-heads that they could barely move. I would have to ask Ymir, but maybe her and I could go in, undetected.
If the monsters could control us, there had to be a way we could do the same. Take on the form, but keep our mind our own.
"How can we get in? We don't have the manpower or ammo to even put a dent in something of that size."
"I'll have to talk to Ymir, but I think I have a plan. After we loot up here, I'll talk to her." After I finish talking, I pick Levi up and walk off, leaving the others shocked.
Levi in squirming around in my arms and scowling at me.
"What are you doing?"
"Carrying you." I answer with a 'are you stupid or something' tone and turn into the alley beside the mattress store.
"Let me go!"
I drop him on his ass in the alley, making him grunt in pain when his butt connects with concrete. He is glaring at me, all while dusting his clothes off, and I grin cheekily.
With faux innocence I say, "What? You told me to let you go, so I did."
Another laugh bubbles up in my chest when he—get this—he pouts. His usually impassive face is scrunched up, thin black brow furrowed, and pink lips puffed out in a pout. And I really want to taste him... Not in the 'I'm hungry rawr" way, but I just really want to kiss him.
I start walking slowly to him, making him scramble backwards until his back hits the brick wall of the other building. My arms cage him in and he places his closed fists on my chest, to keep me at bay or to ground himself I don't know. Neither of us make a move, though.
So much is left unspoken between us and I don't know where that leaves us. I killed his sister and, though he doesn't know the details, I seriously doubt he would be able to kiss his sister's murderer. An unreadable emotion swirls in his quicksilver eyes, swirling like the storm that was rolling in my gut.
I should be mad at him for wanting me dead—for saying he trusted me and then not trusting me when an opportunity arose. But I couldn't... Love was like that and it did things to people. Unexpected things—
Soft lips brushed over my own before quickly going back for a rougher touch. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer, while discovering my mouth all over again. Before I could deepen it further, he pulls away but doesn't stray too far.
The unreadable look flashes again and he sighs. "I..." I go to step back, but he flips our positions so I'm against the wall and he's against me.
"I'm not letting you leave again."
"Levi, I get it... I'm not a good person." I mutter, looking down at the dirty concrete of the alleyway.
He lifts my chin so I have to meet his gaze. His eyes move back and forth between my eyes, looking for something, maybe? Levi kisses my cheeks, my eyes, my brow, everything except my lips.
"I love you."
At first I don't hear him. He mumbled it between kisses, but when my brain caught up to his words, my eyes nearly bugged out of my head.
"Wh—what did you just say?"
He smiles softly and says against my lips, "I love you, Eren." Then, his lips meet mine in a gentle caress.
I'm smiling too much for us to properly kiss, so he pulls away to stare up at me. If this was a dream, I never wanted to wake up. You don't know how long I've wanted him to say that! Well, maybe you do.... Nevermind.
"You don't know how long I've wanted you to say that."
He smiles, but I see nervousness in his gaze—a gaze that refuses to meet mine. Oh, he thinks I don't feel the same.. Normally, I would find this something to tease about, but I know how hard it must have been to say that after Grace.
"I love you too, Levi." I couldn't help but add, "Even if you're a short pain in my ass."
He stops on my foot, making me wince and pout.
"I told you not to call me short." He says with a cheeky grin.
I pull him back toward me and wrap my arms around him in a warm embrace. While I was drugged and forced into the darkness, there was something that kept me from giving in... It was Levi. Even if I couldn't remember what it was, some part of me knew that he was waiting for me on the other side.
"Say it again." I whisper against his ear.
"I love you, brat."
"I love you too, Cap'n." I say with a mock salute, ducking under his arm and running back into the mattress store.
After my mother's death, I was unloved and alone, but not any longer. I had Levi and I had my friends, even stupid horse-face Jean. We were a family of survivors, brought together by unfortunate circumstances, but forged together by memories—both good and bad.
CREATORS' THOUGHTS 
rythebiguy
rythebiguy This chapter takes place right after they fell asleep in "If the World was Ending". Think of Ymir and Eren, the zombie shifters, as something similar to ghouls.
Things will start to make sense and it'll all come together in the next few chapters. Enjoy!
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