JonSTW

JonSTW

3mth

Commented

'Status Win—'

An Extra’s POV

Fantasy · Magecrafter

JonSTW

4mth

Commented

seated*

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An Extra’s POV

Fantasy · Magecrafter

JonSTW

4mth

Replied to EG0

the chapter is from Liam's view but this paragraph is talking about what the boy is doing. So the first "his" makes sense that it refers to Liam (since in the context the lad wouldn't be trying to look into his own eyes, so the lad wouldnt be an applicable noun for the pronoun to reference) but the next "he" is more ambiguous. The context only works if its refering to Liam, but in casual english the way its layed out it would normally be referencing to the lad. My brain got stuck here for a seconds before I parsed it the way you meant. if you don't see an issue don't change it 👍

"W-what are we to do?" the lad stuttered, unable to meet his eyes even though he was barely three or four years older than the boy. "I mean, how should we prepare?"

Heaven's Greatest Professor

Fantasy · EG0

JonSTW

4mth

Replied to EG0

the previous paragraphs said he killed a fox and a bear. bear is mentioned twice so I assumed that's what was being referred to here. (especially since he says how he wishes he caught a boar)

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Heaven's Greatest Professor

Fantasy · EG0

JonSTW

4mth

Commented

"the moonlight was barely enough for him to see clearly"*

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Heaven's Greatest Professor

Fantasy · EG0

JonSTW

4mth

Commented

"Growing his attributes became harder as well. Warden had slain twice as many copper ranked beasts so far, but his attributes increased minimally."

Obviously, growing the numbers in attributes became harder as well. Warden had slayed twice as many beasts of copper rank in the meantime, but his attribute received only a minimal increase.

Heaven's Greatest Professor

Fantasy · EG0

JonSTW

4mth

Commented

As if it was only natural* you don't need the first "to be" here in this sentence.

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Heaven's Greatest Professor

Fantasy · EG0

JonSTW

4mth

Commented

had seen too much*

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Heaven's Greatest Professor

Fantasy · EG0

JonSTW

4mth

Commented

it hasn't been*

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Heaven's Greatest Professor

Fantasy · EG0

JonSTW

4mth

Commented

This is confusing. Pronouns such as "he" or "she", tend to refer to the last applicable noun used. In this case, you're trying to say that Liam is 3 or 4 years older than the lad. But you have used the "he" pronoun after referencing the lad as the last applicable male noun, so it reads as if the lad is 3 or 4 years older than some boy (possibly Liam). To fix this, change either "his eyes" to "Liam's eyes" or "even though he" to "even though Liam"

"W-what are we to do?" the lad stuttered, unable to meet his eyes even though he was barely three or four years older than the boy. "I mean, how should we prepare?"

Heaven's Greatest Professor

Fantasy · EG0

JonSTW

4mth

Commented

"led on to" isn't correct. "led on to" usually refers to an action or event causing another. From the context I can assume you ment that they were arriving at/entering the village. there are multiple options to use here, but "led on to" doesn't work

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Heaven's Greatest Professor

Fantasy · EG0

JonSTW

4mth

Commented

"get the trails" almost works here, but since you can't collect the trails themselves using "find the trails" is better

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Heaven's Greatest Professor

Fantasy · EG0

JonSTW

4mth

Replied to Daoistwaterdrop

no, picturesque is correct here. picturesque - visually attractive, usually in a quaint or pretty style

Well, there she was. Liam groaned inwardly and looked up at the young girl of her late teens. She was a fair girl with a picturesque oval face and blonde hair—the very type of girl young lads would fight for. Unfortunately, her personality was shitty.

Heaven's Greatest Professor

Fantasy · EG0

JonSTW

4mth

Commented

"for the mission" or "during the mission" would work better here depending on the context.

Liam was particularly annoyed today. Ignoring the young lady he had to babysit in the mission, the backwater village at the very fringe of the empire was already bothersome enough.