sabri_bangtan123 - Profile

This is how I am right now, I crave for my mothers love that I tell myself if I follow everything she wants me to do or if I behave better than she will show me affection but I learned now that it will never happen. I wish she showed me at least a little bit of love.

thank you

i dont know why but this part reminds me of myself, since I was around 6 my mother always Hurt me but when my dad found out he will go yell at her for hurting me but when he wasn't home I would get slapped till my nose started bleeding a lot, i would also get hit with a clothes hanger and a thick cable and be told that if I tell me father then ill get beaten again and I never told him, well she usually hit me for dumb stuff like not being able to put a bag on a trash can I think I was 8 around that time but at that time I thought that I deserved it but anyways yeah I still cared about my mother, I didn't like seeing her cry, and noticed she always treated my sibling better than me and I always got in trouble for stupid stuff that I didn't do and well I got mentally Hurt with how she treated me and the insults she said but I started getting used to it because I notice that no matter how much I ask her for something she will say no or if I give her a mothers day card she will rip it or when she thought I failed grade and called me stupid when in fact I passed grade, when she doesn't want to sign any of my papers for school, when she doesn't celebrate my birthday but only my siblings, and well yeah I stop wanting to get her love and well now I just tell myself that it isn't worth it and I should just let it be, I get envious of my friends when they talk about their parents and how caring they are, I mean I still have my dad that cares for me but I usually don't see him much bc now I live with my mother and my dad doesn't live with us since I was like 12 and I missed him protecting me from my mother and well i got traumatized so much that I feel like I'm a robot following everything my mother tells me to do, I can't think of any time I had said no to her and had my own freedom, she keeps me in the house all the time and I can't do anything about it and she took my phone away that my father gave me to contact him and I am currently using my school computer in the closet without her knowing and just hoping for a year to pass by fast for I could finally leave the house. anyways yeah i feel like i am not living with my mother but with a stranger, i wish i didnt get hurt each time she insults me hahah im such a crybaby at my age that cant hold in my tears when i get insulted by my mother, i just wish she loved me and treated me like a daughter where we can have talks and have fun but ill never get that and i feel lonely, sometimes i just get to tired of doing nothing and being lonely and getting Hurt that I just want to die but the only thing keeping me going is that I'm about to turn 18 and be able to help my dad with his current life because he living horribly and I just want to decrease his pain and suffering and that is the only thing keeping me going... to live a happy life and be able to help my dad (sorry that its long i just felt like telling someone about this)