Letmereadinpeace - Profile

Suggested sentence correction, ‘Arthur Silvera had been forced to grow up prematurely. His hands bearing the calluses of labor much beyond their years. The passage of time had left its mark on his heart. Yet he was just one of many.’ I simplified some of your sentences because they had more impact when read aloud. Go ahead and try to read them aloud before and after and pick which one you like.

Suggested sentence corrections, ‘ His eighteen years of stress and worry, had left a little room for happiness.’ I just corrected the tense on this one.

Suggested sentence correction, So you’re not able to tell if he’s reading the dialogue or if someone’s telling him. I’m assuming he’s reading it, so that’s what I’m going off of. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. ‘ “As explicitly stated in your contract,” he read aloud, “there will be no reimbursement upon termination.” The second below landed, driving the nail deeper into the coffin.’ At this point in your writing, I got confused for a minute, and had to rethink what you were trying to tell me as a reader. And then I realized he was holding a notice from the bank. There is no language telling me that he was holding it, but the fact that it was hanging around his neck like a noose. BTW your language is beautiful for not having learned English as a first language. Suggested Sentence to add to clarity such: “ The notice in his hand, was like a noose surround his neck. As it slowly tried to suffocate him. A rope that taunted him with the face of his mother and the hands brother. An embodiment of his burden in life.’

Just a bit of advice to bring more impact to the dialogue. Put it in a separate paragraph. Example: ‘ The foreign, yet expected words echoed in his ears. It left a bitter taste in his mouth. “Your contract has been terminated,” he said as his voice cracked and hollowed. He absorbed the weight of those words. He held no resentment or towards his employer, but the world itself felt the brunt of his disappointment. The influx of new scavengers, equipped with specialized abilities, and made this outcome inevitable.’ Also, by rearranging the order you delivered the sentences you can add more impact.

Suggested sentence correction, ‘ His starting point is as average young man, with a mysterious past.’

Suggested sentence corrections, ‘ Second is a note about how I plot my story. The sequence of events, and the reasons behind them may seem illogical, but I promise there’s a reason behind them. Sometimes I write well forgetting that you was the reader do not know why such an event is happening. But I do, and I forget you don’t and think it’s all OK. This is a trade I both hate and like about my writing. Hopefully, it won’t be the cause of my downfall. Please give this novel a chance to flourish. ‘ the plot is the sequence of events that takes place in a story. So I changed the language a little.

Suggested sentence correction, ‘I’d first of all like to state that English is not my first language. I don’t have an editor to help me, so this is the best I could do myself. I’ve edited the first volume to the best of my knowledge and would be grateful to anyone who would like to suggest sentence and grammatical corrections.’

Sentence change suggestion, ‘Now let’s get down to business. This is not a spoiler of the storie’s event, but simply a few notes I will regularly update for new readers.’ I changed the tense on the as well to fit present tense.

In the second sentence change ‘didn’t’ to ‘don’t’ as the tense is present when talking to a new reader.