little_howii - Profile

I'm really happy you picked this up🙌, don't be discouraged and keep writing! I hope your own work is better than the original, though. It has longer chapters with fewer grammar mistakes, which is why I’m holding this story up higher than others. Though I wish you’d have rewritten it; everything is just working out too well and too easily for Harry. 5 million gold dragons, a hoard of previously undiscovered mines, unknown-secret-Stark-treasure, canal-creating-earthquakes, unstoppable-loyal-metamorph-assassins, etc. Harry’s already a powerful wizard, he doesn’t really need all that plot armor, or at least not all at once. My advice, more character development and ease up on the ‘sucking-up’. We know he’s great, it’s a little too overworked when repeated over and over just how much. Once in a while, more subtlety, is enough. Also, the chapters with POVs, other than Aryan’s, are the best in my opinion! You’ve showed us what he’s done for the North; more chapters with a bunch of different POVs in each chapter from different lords, heirs/heiresses, and smallfolk will expand the story and make it seem fuller. Cersei, Manderley, Robb, Jon, random northmen, etc. Can’t wait to read your work!

Peter's meeting with Gwen was weird, considering they didn't meet until that moment. Aunt May is acting like a 14 year old, and it's weird. Not because of incest, because there's a lot of that in asoiaf, which I like, but because it comes out of nowhere right after her husband dies. The apology with MJ where she was begging was a really corny part. My advice would have been to slow down on the relationships and take your time, he's catching girls like pokemon and it's too easy. One of the reasons harems are disliked; relationships aren't as fleshed out. Also, action speak louder than words. Instead of explaining how they feel, show it through their action (blushed checks, hollow eyes, twitched when he's uncomfortable, etc..) I hope this was constructive. Dialogue if freaking hard! I know this is a fanfic and not to be taken seriously, but I hope my advice was helpful. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12592223/1/The-Spider (Check this out if you haven't read it. It's considered the best Spiderman SI ff by many, and does the harem genre justice.)

The story gets better the more chapters you read but there were some cringe worthy moments when he interacted with his love interests. Though the story is developing well and moving along. Keep writing

I have seen way worse ffs with far better ratings! so you get 5 stars. I think this FF has a lot of potential and I really want to see it continued. I like how Snape still cares for the people and what has happened between them in the past. It makes it feel like we’re still reading about a Severus who had a second life, rather than a Severus who was just replaced and doesn’t care. He has a lot of different relationships and his story is a tragic one and that makes it interesting. Though I get what some people are saying. Try to convey his feelings through actions more than repeating it with his inner monologue in the future... I hope the Summer Arc isn’t too long, I want to see Snape back in Hogwarts cuz I think the interaction with him and the marauders was your best chapter so far. Keep writing!

Love this fanfic!!! There are very few Obito redemption/time-travel fics... I hope you finish it. I'm definitely a fan!!

This is by far one of the most well written ffs on this site. Especially the grammar and dialogue. I love the dialogue between the students/professors/ministry, it really helps develop their character helps. Please don't abandon!

Really love the story, Jon's powers and his sense of humor, but the grammar really affects the reading. Keep writing though because it's good and I'll still read your story, so keep practicing!. Maybe more dialog or pov from other characters when their fighting Jon or watching him fight. I have high hopes for Sabaody and War of the best arcs