fantasyflightfan - Profile

it doesn't matter if people care, I'm accurate with the term 'doping'

I'll say good things when it's true, and give critique where I think you fell short of your potential

I want to compliment a few things use of the banana peel was creative by Ben; the characterization of the victim was effective, and this was an event where the audience could root for Ben. No one was seriously hurt and there was no coercion. well done author.

So first off, I get that you can’t just write ‘Ben’s Charisma score was higher than Zachary’s and so he won’ which is the stripped down explanation of the even that occurred. I know that’s bad writing.   I’m not sure why this is a hill to die on however. It’s more believable to say “The professor could not remember any other freshman who was such a splendid orator”, or “Ben was among the best undergraduate speakers he had seen, including any student of his” or “Ben was head and shoulders above the rest of the class, and the professor recognized he had a gift for speaking”   All of these are, to me, more believable, because they lack the certainty that "He'd never seen an undergrad student orate such a splendid speech!” has. Never is a strong word. It’s not like say, running sprints where the professor can pull out a stopwatch and confirm that Ben is in fact, the fastest. Instead he needs to compare Ben to all other students he’s ever had, and the fact that he is so certain, undermines his credibility to me.   We can still understand that Ben’s charisma is great, without undermining the credibility of the professor. We can even amp things up by having the professor wonder what he can teach Ben for example.   And I get that Ben could have done better at Zachary’s speech. Again his Charisma is higher. One point is that it would be pretty rad if Ben had done just that. If he had taken some notes during Zachary’s speech and just directly one up’d him speaking extemporaneously. Now that you bring that up, I think that would have been even more powerful than Ben relying on MLK’s words.   Now about how to describe public speaking. Of course you can describe it in words (but remember to show not tell) just saying that XYZ were the level of an entry-level pro, is telling. It tells us the level, but shows us nothing.   Now you did an ok job saying ‘there was something irresistible in Ben’s eyes and body language’. I like showing everyone’s reactions. That’s good. Now if you want some advice, I think it would be even stronger if you had told the speech specifically from Zachary’s perspective. Then Zachary can narrate the things he sees about Ben’s public speaking, and how he compares it to his own. Zachary is experienced in public speaking so his perspective lets you tell the readers the things that Ben is doing. Zachary can note how Ben leans casually against the lectern, one hand tucked in a pocket in a pose that looked casual but Zachary knew was anything but (for example).   We can ride through Zachary’s sinking spirits as he knows he’s been beat. That gives the reader the vicarious satisfaction of Zachary’s defeat in slow motion. It also lets you highlight exactly what’s great about Ben and what’s improved.

I mean it's your story you can do whatever you want with it, you don't have to humor me.  I understand the focus of the seminar wasn't speech composition and it didn't matter, butI am pointing out that Ben cribbed from the best, and Zachary had an original work. The text explicitly mentions how the content of the speech connected with the audience, so clearly that had some impact on people's impression of Ben. Now Ben did set out to select a speech which had impact, but it's unfair to credit Ben with all of that impact because he didn't write the original speech. I'm not saying it matters for the terms of the bet, because clearly either one was acceptable, I'm saying that in terms of measuring their skill against each other, we have a more difficult time because one was original and one wasn't. It's apples and oranges.  I understand that college students select their own classes and when to go, but there is a limited number of some classes (sure, there's probably a big lecture class on bio 101 or whatever every day, but you can't just walk in at 5pm and expect a class to be going on).  If most of the students skipped classes to attend, that undercuts Ben's decision to skip classes to attend (which he grappled with). Now maybe Ben is just the kind of person who likes to attend classes, but we've never seen any evidence of this. He doesn't devote any time to studying really, and we aren't even sure what classes he wants to take or signed up for, which again weakens the impact of that choice.  I understand it wasn't a debate, but debate club is also about orating to a moderator or panel of judges who decide who the best debater was. So that's an example of a club in HS which is fairly common that would give someone public speaking experience.  You said there weren't any genius HS speakers around. Sure, I can easily believe Ben is the best in his class, and the best in this seminar. That makes sense.  However, is he really the best that the professor has ever seen? your exact language is: "He'd never seen an undergrad student orate such a splendid speech1" We know the professor has at least 2 TAs, and enough clout to have a seminar based on either his specialty or a hobby. that says they aren't some Associate Professor just out of post-doc. This is someone who has tenure or is on a tenure track right? When I imagined the character, I expected they were teaching for a least 10 years, probably more. At a major university, it seems unreasonable that Ben is just the best, and I worry it sets up a never ending string of  'Ben is the best because of the System!' which would get very boring fast.  Again, what's wrong with Ben being in the top 10? That doesn't undermine his efforts at all.

I can believe that public speaking isn't Zachary's focus, I just think it's unclear in the text, and it does depend on his degree, because even unrelated degrees like science ones will include public speaking (poster presentations, conferences, etc). now is it possible for Ben to win? sure, especially by basing his speech on a very good speech. I do wish Ben had been original, because while selecting a good speech is a skill, it's a different skill than what Zachary was doing (original composition). i do wonder why a professor has a 1 week seminar that apparently runs during class time. did the other students pop in and out? was the professor supprised to see Ben there all day every day? did other students skip class? I get that this is a work of fiction, but knowing these things adds more weight to Ben's decision to skip class. I like the concept of the book, I think it's a fun read, I just felt like saying Ben was the most splendid undergraduate speaker the professor had ever seen undermines the professor's credibility. there have to be people who were in debate in HS for example, or who's parent ran a toastmasters club. Ben can't just be in the top 10 or something, he has to be the best?

"he'd never seen an undergraduate student orate such a splendid speech" that's what the text says. Of all the undergraduates, first through fourth year, Ben was the most splendid. the only assumption I made was that the professor's focus was oration, which I said. I assumed it was a communications degree or something. the professor could just be a science professor or something but we never get any information on that. so I assumed that was his specialty. what is Zachary a graduate student of? we never know. I assumed that because he selected a professor who specializes in oration, that would be Zachary's focus too. one assumption, I listed it. you can rebut it by pointing out in the text what program the professor and Zachary are in. maybe I missed it.

Doping. Ben had an advantage that could not be replicated by Zachary. it was inherently unfair. if Zachary had bribed the professor, that would be unfair too. Sure, Ben worked hard, but he had help because the multiplier adjusted his brain chemistry to motivate him more, and that seemed like a drug effect (hence doping). and this isn't education, it's a bet. Adderall is a good example. it increases focus, but is inherently unfair for people who don't medically need it to use it like that. that privileges people who are willing to break the law and have access to adderall. it disadvantages people who have a legitimate medical need for it to even reach baseline focus. I don't think I need to slow my assumptions. I assumed the multiplier has a drug-like effect because magic isn't real. other than that I assumed that using an advantage the otherside doesn't know about and can't replicate is unfair, which seems reasonable.

up to. this point Ben was a relatable, and likable protagonist. but here the total lack of empathy combined with lack of self awareness that Ben was doping, made me lose all respect for him. Ben should at least be able to admit to himself he cheated and be magnanimous in victory.

I find it hard to believe that Ben is the best undergraduate ever. I'm assuming that motivational speaking is this professors area of focus, not just a hobby. in that case, a 4th year student would have 4 years of experience and not 2 years without practice. Zachary has at least 5 years. Also if Zachary sucks, how did he get into graduate school? this chapter destroyed my suspension of disbelief

I knew as soon as he mentioned that they were allowed to use someone else's speech, Ben would. I'm a little disappointed that he wasn't 100% original. at least it wasn't the gettysburg address.

This read like "I'm so smart" + magical nonsense. Plus he got lucky with the wife thing. Why not research the tutor earlier and prepare in case they didn't kill his wife? Just bring something from the lab and make it look like an accident. Surely he can synthesis some heroin or PCP or something.

"public wrath"

wish I could watch adds for passes