Moments 12
Looks like you started to get bored and wanted to hurry the plot along - worring indication of what is to come
After being praised as a talent, Mother insisted I try to read. Mother would take me with her to the market where I would try to read signs and ask her what words mean. One day she decided to bring home a slate and taught me more conventionally. by age 3 I was literate.
Awakening of an Engineer
Fantasy · Captain_Wonders
Huge jump, bad sign
After extensive practice, I was able to start walking on my own at around two months, and I even learned some new words. My mouth still wasn't strong enough to say anything until 6 months but by then I could understand most words.
Awakening of an Engineer
Fantasy · Captain_Wonders
At this point, cannonically the protagonist should not 'know' who 'mother' is. These should be abstracts explored with the reader over time, not with a level of assumed knowledge (dispite the pretense of the prologue seemingly permitting it)
Mother drew a rune in the air to test my vision.
Awakening of an Engineer
Fantasy · Captain_Wonders
Is the protagonist 2 days old?
I started giggling and fumbling around like a madman.
Awakening of an Engineer
Fantasy · Captain_Wonders
'The spell to awaken him' is very 'on the nose' about it - surely there's a level of sublty here that is lacking
*"Really? I haven't finished making the spell to awaken him."* father didn't wait for an answer as he rushed to the crib
Awakening of an Engineer
Fantasy · Captain_Wonders
Again, third person not first person perspective - you can follow a character but the shift is jarring
Two days later I woke up with people standing over me.
Awakening of an Engineer
Fantasy · Captain_Wonders
Changes between the present tense of the previous paragraph and past tense in this one - reads almost like you were attempting to write a screenplay. If so, this part should be from the third person perspective, not first person.
Suddenly a wave of lethargy enveloped me and I felt a presence against my mind, wiping away all my unnecessary memories. I forgot family, what I looked like, my crew, everything. Except for my studies and my mission. I fell asleep instantly.
Awakening of an Engineer
Fantasy · Captain_Wonders
I like it - good opening, just the right level of cliche
'So, turns out I'm nearly blind, I have... horns? Apparently, that "figure" is my dad. I need to learn their language and how to walk again, that way I can convey my blindness while also looking like a prodigy. If I get a reputation for getting things faster than other kids, my otherworldly knowledge will shock everyone less.'
Awakening of an Engineer
Fantasy · Captain_Wonders
The Novel should not shift between styles - just tell the prologue from another characters perspective if you have to tell a prologue at all
(AN: From here on the novel will be in first person)
Awakening of an Engineer
Fantasy · Captain_Wonders
I skipped the prologue the second time around
*"What are you going to name him?"*
Awakening of an Engineer
Fantasy · Captain_Wonders
This was a dissapointing chapter that had the opportunity to go big, but ultimatly felt rushed. I will read the third chapter tomorrow.
"... However, not everyone feels the same way and many, like me, believe in cooperation and teach their kids to be the same way. Go on. Your new friend is waiting."
Awakening of an Engineer
Fantasy · Captain_Wonders