Vicky_Fox

2yr

Commented

Target Acquired. I'll look through more of this later. Need to get some dinner ♥

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Whispers of The Ethereal

Fantasy · ShyLunaria

Vicky_Fox

2yr

Commented

First sentence kind of sounds like an RP action. Some more description of the scene here might fix this. "/Aria's/ journey" Really nailing it in here that her name is Aria. "of Etherville/ the capital // Marenveil/ came" Need some commas in here an an "of"

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Whispers of The Ethereal

Fantasy · ShyLunaria

Vicky_Fox

2yr

Commented

"/sleeveless/ vest" Vests are sleeveless. "trails that /falls" just above" tense error. "black /finger less/ gloves, /darken/ leather /booths/"

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Whispers of The Ethereal

Fantasy · ShyLunaria

Vicky_Fox

2yr

Commented

"her /spear/ tipped" Before this was described as "pear tipped", does she have two? One for bludgeoning one for piercing? "her pair of /blacken/ horns" "behind your /ears/" X "hollow /blacken/ horns which /replaces the standard humanoid ears/." Her ears, that she doesn't have! Bamboozled!

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Whispers of The Ethereal

Fantasy · ShyLunaria

Vicky_Fox

2yr

Commented

"creep /trough/ the cracks" "The golden rays of dawn" "littered in the Dawn's light" Consistent capitalization, intentional?

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Whispers of The Ethereal

Fantasy · ShyLunaria

Vicky_Fox

2yr

Commented

"as a time worn silver bracelet." What the bracelet doin'? "voice slowly /got/ softer and" The rest of this sentence is in present tense,

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Whispers of The Ethereal

Fantasy · ShyLunaria

Vicky_Fox

2yr

Commented

"Woolen pillow // which // needlework" I feel like an "of" and "the" are missing here.

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Whispers of The Ethereal

Fantasy · ShyLunaria

Vicky_Fox

2yr

Commented

Plants haven't been mentioned in this scene before so "several /more/ ambitious plants" is somewhat out of place. Unless the point here is to denote that there are more plants than last time she was here which if true should be possibly be clarified. "have slowly /begin/ to reclaim" should be "begun"

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Whispers of The Ethereal

Fantasy · ShyLunaria

Vicky_Fox

2yr

Commented

"along /its its/ length" "she continued /trough/ the sand" Also some usage of commas here would be, whilst not entirely necessary, good for sentence flow.