Yxazel_Garden - Profile

Its OK, even if it sucks it can and will provably help you to do a better book, even if the story is bad anc cheesy and the characters kinda suck, you can writte good characters, and this may just be the tool to do it

It i don't have that many words to say, for one part, im happy i reached the end, for another, its kind of a bad place to left thingd on. it doesn't necesary feels like its settimg up anythimg big, but it could, and thats kind of the problem, becuse without the next chapter, this just comes around like filler and thats kinda sad. also, try to remember your own storie and how it works, if you don't most other people will hope you have a good day an luck

here missing again not really much to talk about this one, its just OK for the series standarts and at least it gives us a little pick into tat's mind, but im having a feeling of dejavu, and idk why still wish it didn't felt like filler

Name's are not problem, just try to make them FEEL like they belong with the character, like, Takuya (wich i will call Taco from now on) Taco is basically, Tat's shadow, being overdone in every aspect and way, but still (somehow) being close to Tat's. so, every name with Tat will had felt good enough, like Tatsuki, Tatoru Tatemari, etc. The only name that doesn't feel like it belongs is Olive, becuse doesn't like a British name, it sounds like a latam name. I know a girl named Rosa (or Rose) a guy named Trebol, and other one called Alamo, to say some. but, the thing is that the names doesn't need to be creative or super complex, just that they belong. You know how you could had the name felt more in character? by giving her something that SOUNDS like her. Olivia sounds like a name you will give someone that can't even speak for herself, or that just doesn't really pop up in general; Amelia (thaking names from a google search) sounds more harsh, more intrusive to the ear, and thus, feels right with a character that just Pop's up everytime they are on screen. it is your choise, but you can allways go even beyond

Build. Up. Please. Outside of that, it wasn't bad, but those gramat's stuff really shoved me out, it was as if i was being shoot at each time i read those, its okey that you do it on one sit, but still, read a little and see if there are horrors there. The ending part specially was pretty hard to read, and i still feel i don't get it, like im mading up insted of reading. Also, you said "Im" insted of "i was" a lot in the sister part. but please, building character is the most important thing you need to do, we have like 10 right now. Tat's Goddess that won't probably re-appear Tat's mom Tat's sister Friend of Tat's mom Daughter of the mom's friend Blonde Tat's Miss too shy to do anything Miss too busty to do anything Tat's teacher and who knows who i might be forgetting and as a honorific mention, Tat's father, that died, but was supossedly, someone that existed, and someone that Tat's mother had 2 kids with. so yeah, some character development will be good. Also, good to se that Tat's got SOME humanity still in him, not enough to help his friend by teaching him anything, but some to feel pity, at least

This chapter feels a little aimless, and it makes me question the character choices hard. The first thing is bad, the seccond, depends. The chapter feels like its an introduction to the character, but it doesn't tell me anything, like yes, there is a blonde guy whose dumb and is friend of Tatsuya (that sounds a lot like Ryouji from P5 now that i think about it) a British girl that is mean has a cup size that should break her spine all themselves and has the most spanish sounding name ive read in a while (it reminds me of the hunt). but, i don't have a glimpse of what they are actually about, at all; Maybe Olive, but she was so little that i don't know what to think in GENERAL of her. Also, Blonde Tat's shouldn't be on a school, he should be in a reinstitutional or something, if literallly all people around you treath you like a womenizer, how are you not getting help, or being constantly going to the principal's room or something And, in therms of character choices, the one that jumps to mind is MC Tat's. if you are trying to go undercovered, low expectations, "im a loner wulf, and novody shuld wachh mea" kind of guy, why he has a friendship with a guy that he clearly knows is no good? even if he wanted a friend to not being suspected at or whatever, why not someone tolerable, or something like that? the only reason that comes to mind is that he wants a pet, and if thats the case, well, we got a psychopat on our hands ladies and gentleman! No gramattic error, so thats kinda nice

Nah, im busy writting myself to get hooked in more things than 1, and im already on 4 so... yeah, not soon i will say

Again here, Preyz. i lke the fact that the storie advances time as it needs to, it makes it feel as if we aren't wasting time in more than whats necesary, with the little downside that it feels as if there isn't direction at all, but that may be changed. I noticed a really big problem that i saw you had, but you had soo many other problems back there that i forgot. and thats that some descriptors and or interactions feel more like insted of the characters, are YOU (the author) the one that say's so, unlike a narrator. for example, the "a loli girl" feels like YOU say it, since its a description but its not objective nor referencing any other character, if was just "a short girl "a little kid" or "a child" it will had just felt like what was happening, but there, it just feels as if the author is the one speaking about. You should watchout for that, it can kill immersion pretty fast. also, not many spelling mistakes, and thats good, but found like 3 or so

man, you allways find way to complicate yourself

aloH pryez! finished this one just now. as i said, its getting better! you didn't commit that many erros, and reading this chapter was way more fluid than the last one, wich had its issues with timing, but here i felt that only thing that put me off while reading was the big "Tatsuya POV" that felt unnecesary. outside of that, and some quotation marks lacking here and there, this chapter was pretty well done, Keep On!

oh, and, aloH