So a little bit of criticism. Also before I say anything, don’t feel obligated to change how you write or how the story is going. So your writing is very good and I love all the descriptions but I do think you could use them a little less. Sometimes the descriptions are really obscure or not needed for the story to be good. An example of an obscure description is when you talk about the raging gamer in the first paragraph. It fits but you go into too much detail. An example of a not needed is when you write about the speeding truck and being thrown like a cannonball. You only need one of them but when you use both, the story doesn’t seem to flow well. So yeah, take this with a grain of salt since I’m a inexperienced writer but thank you for reading this if you have. Also a question. How did he learn to use gravity magic or is that an innate ability to know how to use magic.
ch 20 The Decisive Blow (Bonus Chapter)
Fantasy · TheFabledWriter
Hmmmm. I’m curious what the red eyed creature is.
ch 18 The Stalker
Fantasy · TheFabledWriter
Ooh yea that would be inter esting
ch 10 The Trek
Fantasy · Trim_2cool
I don’t think I would give him a name but rather a title. Maybe something like the Game Master.
ch 10 The Kindness of a Gentleman
Fantasy · TheFabledWriter
YESSSSSSS. LETS GO OLD MAN.
To his horror he watched as the marble decided to lean more and more towards the abyss looking box which was what prompted him to make a prayer. As the marble was slowly beginning to lean heavily towards the left box a slight hand movement was made by the old man wearing the mask as if he was shooing away a fly. This small movement went unnoticed by Eclipse as his eyes were glued to the marble that would decide his fate.
Fantasy · TheFabledWriter
Hii. I personally prefer to be kept in the dark about Orpham and be revealed his story later if Ojero manages to meet him. Also great work on the story so far. My only suggestion is if you can maybe put Ojeros thoughts in italics (if webnovel lets you) because it’s a little hard to distinguish between dialogue and his thoughts. Thanks for the story.
ch 0 7 The Paladin Speaks
Fantasy · Trim_2cool
Hey I just finished the 8 chapters and I really like the direction the story is going. there’ a couple things that could be improved here and there but for a first story this is really good. I’l be keeping up with this. Also I really like the little comments you put at the end of your chapters.
ch 0 8 Home
Fantasy · TheFabledWriter
NOOOOO. HAROLD. AHHHHH
Reaching out his broken hand in the direction of his fleeing niece one last time, Harold closed his eyes. His face twisted in emotions of sadness and regret.
Sovereign of the End
Fantasy · TheFabledWriter