YS_og - Profile

What is my ac? And do I really need to point out each mistake? I did some just now, but I am not being paid to be an editor, sorry. I don't get why pointing out rough writing being a reason to not want to continue invalidates my attempt to review?

Two things I would like to comment about the start to the story: 1) I like the flow of the events, easy to follow and does a good job grabbing attention. Why not take it some steps further by giving more descriptions of the actions that occur and the emotions felt by Isabella and the men around her etc.? Each action seems choppy and falls short of provoking deeper reactions from the reader. Describe more, make the reader feel more! 2) You need to really use some kind of writing aid as the grammatical and mechanical errors make the rest of the reading experience cumbersome.

I also see this is a 1st and only chapter - Great time to utilize the writing aids while it's early on!!

Seems like a good premise! I followed the setup pretty well but I have to say the grammar and mechanics need extensive improvement. I would suggest writing aids to mop up with as your story elements themselves seem fine, but in my opinion the writing errors disrupt the reading experience.

In that case, I strongly feel you could choose alternative methods for your world building because this way you chose has it to where there isn't any flow between the events, and the conversation has nothing to do with the linked events. That could be either through altering the dialogue, changing up when the hero and the two characters meet, could be anything really. Just as long as you focus on event connections that flow properly and sensibly.

I am assuming you are going for an Ultraman type world and setting? If so, good job on that. I cannot, however, get past a few things and it prevents me from wanting to read the rest beyond the 1st chapter: 1) The grammatical and mechanical errors are heavily abound and it really mucks up the reading experience. Subject-verb agreements, improper word usage, etc. 2) Your name choices make this novel have a very weebish vibe. You realize Hatoshi means pigeon boy in a sense. I don't tend to nitpick names in fictitious worlds, but because you base this on Tokyo and I heavily assume you haven't lived or experienced life in Japan, again it just comes off weebish. 3) The flow doesn't make sense to me. You started off fine with Gazerman and what was going on there but then its a strangely placed, awkward exchange between Hatoshi and Yuna and the super hero who (apparently is friends with Hatoshi?) stops by for a pointless conversation before going about what seemed like much much more serious business. I don't know how else to put it, but it just seems altogether clunky and nonsensically tied together even though it seems like you had some interesting ideas floating around.