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Little_BlackHorse
LV 1Love to read and writing thrillers and fantasy (Follow my IG: littleblackhorse)
2022-06-20 Joined GlobalBadges 4
Moments 203
i feel this setence it's kinda filler. you can erase this and make it to narration it's much better
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I think these chapters end without any trigger for the reader to continue reading the story. Maybe you can change it
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"Gwen!" Aurora called after her sister who got to their house and barged in, "Mom!......
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I think this note is better at synopsis, it;s kinda weird have this on chapter 1
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it;'s better if you asked how did you get here?
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you can split into 2 paragraphs,it's much better
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Thank you!
For me, it's kinda weird if the name is the number
The night was shrouded in an eerie stillness, broken only by the stealthy movements of two figures clad in black as they crept through the twisting, labyrinthine alleys. Every step was taken with extreme caution, their senses honed to detect any signs of danger. The stakes were high, for 23 and 95 were about to betray their own organization, and the slightest mistake could lead to their undoing.
Hydrax Legacy
Sci-fi · SYED_ASAD
23 is the name or what?
"Is that our target, 23?" queried 95, peering through his binoculars at the man they had been following.
Hydrax Legacy
Sci-fi · SYED_ASAD
just use one !
"May the heavens have mercy on the people of this world. Let there be light once more... LUMINE MAXIMUS!!!" he exclaimed, his voice ringing out across the battlefield. The skies began to clear, revealing a clear blue color that filled Dronzer with warmth. As the light shone upon him, it was as if the heavens themselves were kissing the Celestial on his forehead.
Hydrax Legacy
Sci-fi · SYED_ASAD
maybe just use one! I think, it;'s has the same meaning with !!!
Instead of tears, blood flowed down Dronzer's cheeks as he thought to himself,' Celina, you loved life and you gave everything to save it and you were just a mere human. I let you die. I can't do that...I won't watch it anymore. I-I feel it slipping. My power is going haywire. I won't watch this anymore!!!'
Hydrax Legacy
Sci-fi · SYED_ASAD
I think you can split it into two. "You can yourself Dronzer, a being beyond evn the gods themselves, " He rolled his eyes and looked at him."But, why you protect those pathetic creatures?"
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Hydrax Legacy
Sci-fi · SYED_ASAD
I think the word "with" can't be put in the first sentences. you can say but he was not one to be underestimated. He gathered.....
Dronzer gritted his teeth, his anger burning hot within him. He knew he was outmatched, but he refused to go down without a fight. His enemies may have thought they had won, but he was not one to be underestimated. With a fierce determination, he gathered his remaining strength and launched one final attack, determined to take down as many of his foes as he could before he fell.
Hydrax Legacy
Sci-fi · SYED_ASAD
It's an interesting idea, but somehow there are some parts that I think is unnecessary and the use of punctuation is not quite right, leaving me momentarily confused. However, the character portrayal is quite good as seen from the dialog. Good job author and keep up the good work!