Badges 1
Moments 104
Woah hold up how old is he. is this legal. why interrogate child. scary sia
Liana led Eric and his men into the dungeon, the place where they were keeping Drew. When they got there, Eric gasped softly at the sight of Drew. His clothes were covered in blood, and the parts of his body that could be seen were bruised and cut in almost every visible part of his body. Liana had already seen Drew, so she wasn't very surprised, as she had seen a lot of the prisoners look like this before. Her father did not prevent her from seeing the prisoners even after they were… interrogated. He wanted her to be able to deal with it when she took over, and although it's not something a child should see, he did not stop her the first time she wandered down here.
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
Wordy much, can understand, but reword a bit. Would help but lazy now
(One of Eric's men) "Yes, Your Highness. Our investigation, according to information from witnesses, and some calculations, it was a planned attack. Let us explain. The arrow would have gone straight through your heart if Lillian had not taken it and pushed you away. The arrow was shot at close range, from what the doctor told us about her wound. Thus, we can say at about four to five meters away from you. The person that shot the arrow had to be ready, and be able to shoot without getting spotted by anyone, which means that you had to be in an area for long enough to get ready, aim and shoot, to be able to be sure that it will hit you, and not anyone else."
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
What is peace greeting. I think this first time this term is used
The man said, bowing to her, then doing the peace greeting. Liana looked at the man and recognized him as the man who had greeted them before they entered the village, introducing himself at the village chief, whose name was Eric.
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
Amazing name. Wonder what they're about.
(Servant) "Your Highness, the chief of the Peace Village wants to see you."
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
A bit wordy and repetitive, requires quite a bit of concentration to read through. Rewording advisable again, even not for dialogue read aloud and rmb that the reader dk the story the way its been created in your head so harder to understand things like this
Liana decided she couldn't stand talking to him anymore and left the prison, only stopping momentarily to give some instructions to the guards. Her parents had had to leave for their trip or they would be late for their appointments with various leaders and chiefs, leaving Liana in charge of everything around the castle for about the next six months. Liana had no siblings, and this would be the longest trip her parents would take, their previous trips being at most two months long, which is why they decided to get her a bodyguard. She never followed her parents on their trips, as although they did let her make friends with people outside of the Palace, they still kept her sheltered from the outside world.
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
Convo rewording, read aloud. smth i need to do in my own essays 💀
(Liana) "I choose not to trust you for various reasons and you know them. She earned my trust while you did the exact opposite of it."
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
From personal experience, doctors are a lot more formal when giving reports like this, i.e. giving numbers and somehow managing to make everything sound worse, but kinda better at the same time.
(Doctor) "I have done my best to stop her bleeding. The healers have also done their best, but the arrow hit too close to her heart, she could have died instantly if it had hit her heart. She has a very slim chance of surviving, but from what you've told me about her, she should pull through. She should wake up in a few days, at least. If she is not fine after she wakes up, you can contact me anytime."
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
Convo kinda choppy, in this case describe how they are conversing ie. shouted, cried, yelled, pleaded etc.
(Liana) "I never really did."
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
Who's dress
Liana replied, still worried about Lillian, who was still in her arms, her blood flowing down her dress.
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
comma wrong place and maybe make it clearer about why the guards were there, as it took me several times to process. Maybe im just tired or mayne it needs rewording
The guards who were assigned to Lillian for the protection of Liana, arrested Drew after hearing Lillian's shout. They were told to obey her without condition, but they didn't know what to do with him as she had just passed out.
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
Sounds like the arrow is in Liana's chest 💀
Liana caught Lillian in her arms, the arrow deep into her chest.
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
i stop for now my brain is dying
(Lillian) "I'm sorry, I'll explain later."
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
This section should end here, with her vision fading and the voices blurring or amth, and a new section should start with liana in shock trying to process what happened
(Lillian) "I'm sorry, I'll explain later."
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
tell her she reads drew's mind as her vision fades and she yells that or smth
Right before passing out, she said to Liana,
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
my brain skipped the part where she took the arrow, maybe its bc its itred, but maybe its also theres no real emphasis on the point. describe the searing pain or whateve she feels as she takes the arrow
Lillian shouted, while sprinting over to her. She knocked her out of the way but took the arrow for her in the process. She read Drew's mind as she noticed the expression on it. Immediately she shouted,
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
Good ending, but the wording seems a bit too mild for the intensity of the moment. Theres no tension in the way it is worded
Lillian nodded. They continued talking for a while until Lillian heard something. Within a split-second, Lillian turned around and immediately knew where the arrow she heard was heading.
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
again, the conversation feels forced, maybe towards drew its expected/intended, but between liana and lilian help i take way too long to discern who is lilian and who is liana i cri im tired
(Lillian, through mind-link, to Liana) "Don't worry. I will just read what I need to know, then I will stop. No one will know, not even him."
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
going back to the sections, this chouldnt hapen, as the first part we hear and know what liana is thinking, but now its lilian. confusing, expecially as their names are so similar 💀 sorr i dont have my autocorrect tdy i cant spall
Lillian could sense that although they seemed close, Liana was averse towards the guy. Liana turned to Lillian, and said,
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169
wow. i. HOW OLD IS HE AGAIN
Drew looked up from his position to look at Liana. Other than looking very battered up, bleeding and bruised all over, Drew's arms and legs all had chains on them, stretching his body in four different directions, holding him up. His face, though, was not as bad as the rest of his body, it had a few bruises, but other than that it wasn't that bad.
The Phoenix
Fantasy · Phoenix169