Badges 1
Moments 17
That's definitely best. I mentioned in my review that a beta would be a really good idea, someone to read the story from a different perspective. I know that when writing, what you think and what others think can massively differ, so having that second perspective can be invaluable. I look at it and I see him effectively just immediately deducing that the only possible option is the correct one, it's an issue I had with my own stories. You have to sometimes have characters make completely the wrong assumption because that's a natural part of life. If they always arrive at the correct conclusion, well, obviously that's not great story-writing. And the other problem is that he doesn't come across as that kind of person. Hanns comes across as only being SFAQL against Grimm, so it was out-of-left-field for him to just up and decide that literally killing people is a-okay, especially since what, a few days ago at best he was a normal person playing video games and being a lazy shut-in. He recognised that people weren't NPCs, they are people, he even said something to that effect, and yet, he doesn't have even a single tiny fraction of a moment of indecision or a moral dilemma about actually killing people.
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Multiverse: War Thunder System
Video Games · Jake_Hansel
They bring an army because he's a complete unknown. If a mysterious and obviously alien object with incredible firepower suddenly appears, even if it starts killing Grimm, you don't just go out there with a few people and risk them dying. You send a punitive force you think is strong enough to take it down if it's a threat. Put yourself in his shoes, and give yourself his time to react. The fact he immediately settled on "They MUST be here to experiment on me and tear me apart!" is unrealistic. I guess maybe you're of a much more militant mind and think that shoot first, ask questions later is a reasonable policy to have.
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Multiverse: War Thunder System
Video Games · Jake_Hansel
I don't know, maybe the fact that Remnant is a War World full of Grimm, and they have no idea whether he would attack them, so the principle of safety in numbers would occur. He's literally a war machine, and as far as they know he's attacked everything he's seen so far. He didn't hesitate even slightly and immediately decided they HAD to be there with hostile intentions, and he shot first.
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Multiverse: War Thunder System
Video Games · Jake_Hansel
...No, he really wouldn't. His obedience would drop through the non-existent floor, you've already taken his vision, what else does he even have that you can take, when you've now utterly neutered his ability to fight. And with that, his followers would also become even more insubordinate. Fear only goes so far before it becomes useless, you have to be able to extend that influence. Stalin did it through his Secret Police, and Cinder? She has 2 goons, she can't impose that fear-based influence on the White Fang, she's just completely screwed herself over by doing that, removing a very valuable fighter from her side of the board entirely and at the same time removing multiple pawns.
Goons from Hei walked inside and retrieved the severely injured Adam. He would still be useful blind or not. After this moment the White Fang will learn to fear Cinder.
Multiverse: War Thunder System
Video Games · Jake_Hansel
Or, alternatively, it's teaching them to look for the valuable information mixed with the chaff. Think about it, he usually tells them how a Grimm can be defeated, but he does it in the midst of a story that sounds self-aggrandizing and boring. The same kind of story a civilian leader might tell them whilst also mentioning pertinent information.
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Multiverse: War Thunder System
Video Games · Jake_Hansel
Ahh yes, immediately kill the burgeoning trust she has in you, that's the best way to strengthen the team. Seriously, you tell her that you wouldn't interfere, she acts genuinely sincere in thanking you, and you immediately betray that by going ahead and interfering anyway. Honestly, if Blake runs away from her team now, it'd be perfectly justified.
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Multiverse: War Thunder System
Video Games · Jake_Hansel
I'm just gonna point this out: Think about whether that was actually a good idea. Potentially ruining an exceptionally elaborate and delicate weapon that might take weeks or months to repair to full function again. I get this is ya first story boo, heaven knows my first was a garbage fire of stupid decisions, but you need to put yourself into the shoes of your characters more and give some HARD thought about their actions and whether they make sense in the moment.
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Multiverse: War Thunder System
Video Games · Jake_Hansel
[You have alerted the horde!]
Multiverse: War Thunder System
Video Games · Jake_Hansel
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Multiverse: War Thunder System
Video Games · Jake_Hansel
"I fixed this, woo!" Two seconds later:
"They don't pay me enough for this."
Multiverse: War Thunder System
Video Games · Jake_Hansel
Hanns after getting a super-HE shell from Ruby:
Blake followed his instructions carefully on how to operate the loader side of the Tiger H1 and loaded it in the breach of the massive 88 mm KwK36 cannon. She slipped in the dust infused round and queried Hanns.
Multiverse: War Thunder System
Video Games · Jake_Hansel
"Also, call me Hanns, Hanns Flammenwerfer."
"Also, call me Hanns, Hanns Flammenwerfer. I can't hold a conversation when I don't hear my name." Hanns was probably tired of being called 'you' or 'it' by people all the time.
Multiverse: War Thunder System
Video Games · Jake_Hansel
Blake: Is asked once and says no. Blake, after being asked a second time: "Fine!" That gave me a good chuckle.
'Fine!' She finally had enough, she couldn't focus on the contents of the book she was reading.
Multiverse: War Thunder System
Video Games · Jake_Hansel
Dude, you shot first without even considering if your mindset was wrong. Sure, it was correct, but there was no way to know that, at all. For all he knew at the time they were just intended to pacify him so he could be questioned, but he 'knew' they were going to experiment on him and didn't care that he was a living, thinking being.
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Multiverse: War Thunder System
Video Games · Jake_Hansel
Oh, you don't have to stop at all, it's more just making small changes to make it more believable. Make him have a few moments of hesitation before and after his first kill because he's never killed an actual person, never watched someone crawling along the floor, someone whose torso he tore in half with a shell with their entrails strewn on the dirt behind them. Not saying you have to start going into gore and horror or whatever, but make it more impactful that he actually killed people. As for his immediate picking up on exactly what Ironwood was going to do, it was the same issue with other characters, they came to the exact correct conclusion with no real evidence and no logical progression to their thoughts, that's a more widespread issue that just takes practice to get out of in my opinion, my own characters used to do that a lot and occasionally still do, despite my best efforts <3
Multiverse: War Thunder System
Video Games · Jake_Hansel