Badges 3
Moments 35
I hear the queens have a lot of really, hot guys there. (Rewrite as you wish just avoid past tense)
"He went to Queens'?" I ask myself. Well...that explains his looks. I heard that Queens' has a lot of really hot cute guys.
Faded Love {FANTASIES}
Teen · Renee_Writes
"You should wake up early," she says. (Correct punctuation)
"You should wake up early". She says.
Faded Love {FANTASIES}
Teen · Renee_Writes
Dialogue punctuation. "I'm in a hurry mom. Later," I say. or "I'm in a hurry mom. Later." (In this case there is no need for the dialogue tag as we know who is already talking in this scene that has only two people in it.)
"I'm in a hurry mom. Later". I say.
Faded Love {FANTASIES}
Teen · Renee_Writes
This would be a "mom asks" not demanded. Demands carries a negative connotation.
"Off for school already? Won't you have breakfast before leaving?" Mom demanded.
Faded Love {FANTASIES}
Teen · Renee_Writes
Try not to write reminders in your story, in this case you can you can state i dry myself before I dash into the next room, the pink towel still on my waist etc...(Avoids past tense dried)
I dash into the room in my pink towel. I had already dried myself in the bathroom.
Faded Love {FANTASIES}
Teen · Renee_Writes
Rewrite to avoid past tense "Interrupted, and was"
Here I was, in the tub, having a nice bath when I rudely get interrupted by the incessant blaring of horn in my ears.
Faded Love {FANTASIES}
Teen · Renee_Writes
Your dialogue tag is in past tense. Be sure to stay in present.
"Khelanie...don't forget your lunch box!" Mom called from downstairs. I sigh and roll my eyes.
Faded Love {FANTASIES}
Teen · Renee_Writes
Use a more direct sentence for clarity. I've been dating Cam since high school. etc...
Cam and I've been dating since highschool.
Faded Love {FANTASIES}
Teen · Renee_Writes
No need to add the dialogue tag "He compliments" when we are already know he is complementing her.
"You look stunning babe". He compliments.
Faded Love {FANTASIES}
Teen · Renee_Writes
Here is a perfect example of present participles taking agency away from the authors voice. How did she cast the spell? I she casting a spell while creating a barrier? Of course not, the spell is the barrier. But when you place a present participle at the start of a sentence, your saying that she is doing this thing while also doing another thing. Casting a spell etc.....----Vs she casted a spell or she raised her hands and casted a spell, or she raised her hand and a bright yellow light washed over the air etc....the description and narration can become stronger and stronger, just by replacing (The Present Participle -ing word).
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You're correct it doesn't place the sentence out of past tense, as Present Participles(Running) do not denote tense. My comment was on the overall narrative structure with overusing -ing words. Think of Present participles as salt you put on food, you don't want your story flooded with running, jumping , sprinting etc...It takes away from the narrative voice, although it can add immediacy and action to the sentence. In your case you run the risk of slipping out of past tense, but I'm not saying that you have. They must be used sparingly, of course this is up to the authors discretion, and style, but -ing words can always be removed and a sentence reconstructed with a more narrative voice. I will give an example in one of your paragraphs.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjJ-5FiauIs ------Brandon sanderson does a great job with showing how to use -ing words without slipping out of past tense. The last part of that Grammarly link explains it as well, but this video much butter. Its hard to do, personally I wouldn't recommend doing it, unless you 100% understand it. But it can be done. You sacrifice a poetic sentence for a clear and direct one that makes it exciting, like a movie.
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The story is clear and your writing is capable of painting a picture. I was a able to follow each scene perfectly. Your only problems are slipping out of past tense and not trusting your audience to know when something is conveyed, but that can be fixed when you write more, and become more confident.------Resource: https://www.grammarly.com/blog/simple-past/ ----
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The only issue is the word running, find a way to take that out and replace it with the past tense version. Ran. From here you can express the scene in so many different ways. I will leave some examples and resources to understand this better at the review section.
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Very good job describing this moment. This paragraph should be a template for the rest of your writing.
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Ellipses are three dots, to denote hesitation, no need to capitalize or create a new sentence after its use.
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Example: "There's no time to waste," she said, then ripped her dress in half, and continued to run.
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If she is alone, trust the audience to know that. There is no need to muddy the dialogue tags. Also always place a comma after tags, said, asked etc....
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Not my cup of tea in terms of story. But I can say if you tighten up the dialogue tags, work on staying in present tense, you can tell a more compelling story, so readers can get a better idea of your MC personality. Her personality and motivations in this chapter seem aimless, and not deep enough. Keep these elements in mind and I'm sure you will continue to improve.
ch 0 1 The new guy at school
Faded Love {FANTASIES}
Teen · Renee_Writes