Review and suggestions for improvement:Strengths:Engaging start: The opening lines quickly pull the reader in with your positive mood and anticipation of returning home.Vivid imagery: You paint clear pictures of the scenery with details like "white mountains," "cows grazing grass," and "canola fields shining in the broad daylight."Intriguing mystery: The sudden appearance of the ruined village and the staring girl with a ripped face introduces a sense of suspense and begs the question: what happened there?Internal conflict: Your feeling of shame, even though you haven't done anything wrong, adds depth and complexity to your character.Possible areas for improvement:Show, don't tell: Instead of saying you were feeling happy, describe the actions or thoughts that show your happiness.Deepen character development: Tell us more about your relationship with Major X, your family and friends, and why you feel ashamed. What happened in the past?Develop the setting: Briefly describe the ruined village and its surroundings. What does it smell like? How does it feel underfoot?Explore Yumiko's character: Instead of just her appearance, give us hints about her personality, background, and maybe the emotions she's feeling.Build tension: The mystery feels introduced a bit abruptly. Consider planting some earlier clues or hints to build anticipation.Ending: The excerpt ends abruptly, leaving the reader with more questions than answers. Give us a sense of direction or a next step to keep the story moving.Additional tips:Consider giving your story a title that reflects its themes or central element.Think about your target audience and adjust the tone and style accordingly.Use strong verbs and evocative language to draw the reader into your world.Proofread carefully for typos and grammatical errors.Overall, this is a promising start to a story with intriguing elements. By developing your characters, setting, and mystery further, you can create a truly captivating narrative. Keep writing and refining your work!
Horror · TheHackerClown
Pornographic Content Hate or bullying Release of personal info Violence Spam Other
Webnovel
Review and suggestions for improvement:Strengths:Engaging start: The opening lines quickly pull the reader in with your positive mood and anticipation of returning home.Vivid imagery: You paint clear pictures of the scenery with details like "white mountains," "cows grazing grass," and "canola fields shining in the broad daylight."Intriguing mystery: The sudden appearance of the ruined village and the staring girl with a ripped face introduces a sense of suspense and begs the question: what happened there?Internal conflict: Your feeling of shame, even though you haven't done anything wrong, adds depth and complexity to your character.Possible areas for improvement:Show, don't tell: Instead of saying you were feeling happy, describe the actions or thoughts that show your happiness.Deepen character development: Tell us more about your relationship with Major X, your family and friends, and why you feel ashamed. What happened in the past?Develop the setting: Briefly describe the ruined village and its surroundings. What does it smell like? How does it feel underfoot?Explore Yumiko's character: Instead of just her appearance, give us hints about her personality, background, and maybe the emotions she's feeling.Build tension: The mystery feels introduced a bit abruptly. Consider planting some earlier clues or hints to build anticipation.Ending: The excerpt ends abruptly, leaving the reader with more questions than answers. Give us a sense of direction or a next step to keep the story moving.Additional tips:Consider giving your story a title that reflects its themes or central element.Think about your target audience and adjust the tone and style accordingly.Use strong verbs and evocative language to draw the reader into your world.Proofread carefully for typos and grammatical errors.Overall, this is a promising start to a story with intriguing elements. By developing your characters, setting, and mystery further, you can create a truly captivating narrative. Keep writing and refining your work!
-To Be Announced-
Horror · TheHackerClown