Patch_Client - Profile

Drop the "'We shall see who laughs last in the end" part. That is unnecessary.

You could have included this in her dialogue in the paragraph before this one.

Did she just sing sang the first part of her dialogue? She a total cringe. Ugghh!

If I were to write this part I would say: Gabriella smiled at the woman realising that she is just concerned about her daughter, "I understand that you are just concerned about your daughter, and I don't think what she did warrants a punishment." Remember to show more, tell less. If you want the readers to feel that a character is a good person, make your readers feel that she is a good person. No good person says "I am a good person" because good people and bad people both have bad things in them, the difference between good people from bad people is that good people know that there's something bad about them, they acknowledge it, and use it as inspiration to do good to others. Bad people on the other hand, deny anything that is bad about them and tell everyone that they are good people. That's why a lot of bad people are hypocrites.

Vanessa reminds me of those typical villains in latino telenovelas. I bet she likes doing monologues~ haha

Who said this?

Okay, that dialogue really sounded sus. Villains typically rub into people's faces that they are the good guys when in reality they are not. And Gabriella here's also going to chastise the woman too?? Okay, well, I do hate the woman but something tells me Gabriella is not the good person that she wants people to think.

This woman!!! I suddenly have the urge to rip all of this woman's hair from her scalp.

Just drop the last sentence. That wasn't necessary.

I wouldn't worry too much. I'll just ask the name of the girl and apologise for forgetting.

Yes little girl, who the heck are you???

The little girl wore a gown all this time? Hot dang! Just who is this girl? I am really intrigued.

You can say: The girl tripped and fell flat on her face. "Anna!" cried the mother of the girl as she tearfully ran towards her. Be mindful of the sequence of events that is happening in your sentences.

Guard, relax, it's just a girl. The girl is not capable of killing you on the spot... or can she?

How long was the girl have been running? I imagine they've been riding like half a mile already lol

If the dialogue is interrupted, use dashes instead of ellipses so it will look like "Yes my prin--"

Fun Fact: Villains don't see themselves as evil, so don't describe her hair and nails as ugly otherwise the reader might think that she is deliberately painting her hair and nails with sewage water. You can say "She painted her hair and nails as if she was a goddess though reality speaks otherwise."

You can say "the call went into one ear and out of the other" instead of "sending the call into and out of her ears" suggesting that she (deliberately) ignored the call.

If you don't want to indicate someone saying this in particular, you can just write: "Princess Gabriella, please wait!", a voice spoke "Anna come back!" said another