Moments 14
??? who said this
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My Daemon System
Fantasy · JJ_Francis
Wrong dialouge format
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My Daemon System
Fantasy · JJ_Francis
This phrase is hard to read, to be honest. Poor language
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My Daemon System
Fantasy · JJ_Francis
people have already known that's him
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My Daemon System
Fantasy · JJ_Francis
Don't need to repeat Jacob three times in this phrase
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My Daemon System
Fantasy · JJ_Francis
It feels unnatural and distracting.
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My Daemon System
Fantasy · JJ_Francis
You overused this function: "noun of noun." Jacob of... Flood of monsters Theatre of death
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My Daemon System
Fantasy · JJ_Francis
This scene could have dialogue.
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My Daemon System
Fantasy · JJ_Francis
you have already mentioned Jacob order his army
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My Daemon System
Fantasy · JJ_Francis
And why do you switch to the simple present tense? Keep the tense consistent throughout the story.
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My Daemon System
Fantasy · JJ_Francis
this phrase is hard to read.
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My Daemon System
Fantasy · JJ_Francis
Same with this guy.
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My Daemon System
Fantasy · JJ_Francis
Introduce Venom to readers; what does he look like? Age? Name? And his role in the story. Besides, when he added, what does his face look like? What does his posture look like?
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My Daemon System
Fantasy · JJ_Francis
who is Simon?
My Daemon System
Fantasy · JJ_Francis