mmm three chapters ago it was said her room is pretty soundproof, enough to yell a bit without worry. then in this chapter as soon as Lyra moans, she sounds confident that her mother can hear that. moving on from that tho, Mc is either denser than lead, or and i think this could be a better alternative, has an avoidment personality disorder. In other words, prioritizes avoiding potential conflict. (trauma from being bullied?) So she rationalizes as much as possible to avoid having to confront Lyra about possibly being from her Earth as well. ... any other notes I could add? if possible try to assimilate more description of the surroundings, and how that environment could affect the characters. Such as creaking floorboards to illustrate the older house. Aged and well used desk to show that the desk is her most often used space. Id like more description on things like color and texture? This sounds hard, but if you just pick a general color like Red, you can easily look up online 'shades of red' sort by images and find a hundred different shades and their names. (or use a thesaurus) Last thing is you have a bunch of different races going on here, it would be a shame not to use and abuse the heck outta that. Lyra is an owl, let her focus in on minute details unnoticeable by others, for example getting lost on the tiny imperfections on her lover's body. Or perhaps using the Mc's tail and ears as a form of pleasure/teasing/affection for Lyra to enjoy. So far the best case of this done was when The MC got her ear pulled by the bully to force her to join them. so that was pretty good to see. Looking forward to what you come up with. I hope I was helpful, and I enjoy what you've been writing so far.
ch 44 Rising Tension
Fantasy · Shoomoon
Pornographic Content Hate or bullying Release of personal info Violence Spam Other
Webnovel
mmm three chapters ago it was said her room is pretty soundproof, enough to yell a bit without worry. then in this chapter as soon as Lyra moans, she sounds confident that her mother can hear that. moving on from that tho, Mc is either denser than lead, or and i think this could be a better alternative, has an avoidment personality disorder. In other words, prioritizes avoiding potential conflict. (trauma from being bullied?) So she rationalizes as much as possible to avoid having to confront Lyra about possibly being from her Earth as well. ... any other notes I could add? if possible try to assimilate more description of the surroundings, and how that environment could affect the characters. Such as creaking floorboards to illustrate the older house. Aged and well used desk to show that the desk is her most often used space. Id like more description on things like color and texture? This sounds hard, but if you just pick a general color like Red, you can easily look up online 'shades of red' sort by images and find a hundred different shades and their names. (or use a thesaurus) Last thing is you have a bunch of different races going on here, it would be a shame not to use and abuse the heck outta that. Lyra is an owl, let her focus in on minute details unnoticeable by others, for example getting lost on the tiny imperfections on her lover's body. Or perhaps using the Mc's tail and ears as a form of pleasure/teasing/affection for Lyra to enjoy. So far the best case of this done was when The MC got her ear pulled by the bully to force her to join them. so that was pretty good to see. Looking forward to what you come up with. I hope I was helpful, and I enjoy what you've been writing so far.
ch 44 Rising Tension
Switched Timelines As A Fox Girl
Fantasy · Shoomoon