Moments 2
Review because I see potential. Also I’m not a writer, my grammar and whatever will probably not be expert level. (I really just want a young justice fic) The story 100% needs a rewrite but overall in its current state it's not half bad. I mean some people cringe at how the romance is written in this story(and yeah it does have an emo type vibe to it)but to me it's fine. Although it could be better, I won't fault the author this early on. The other problems with the story make the romance worse than it actually is. As for the powers however this is where I think a lot of the hate I saw comes from. I like the ideas, I really do, but man I just think this isn't the right story for it. The character needs focus. He doesn't need 1000 different powers that eventually just overlap. Void, the focus should be on this aspect and I'm not saying don't give him any other cool powers I'm just saying use it sparingly.(especially since he will gain god-like powers) If he is given a cool unique power that complements the ones he already owns after he completes a huge task I don’t think many would complain. Now for the plot, It’s pretty lifeless. I think these first 20 chapters could easily be 30-40 if you just gave more detail or actually followed the MC instead of just summarizing.(WRITE COMBAT NOT OUTCOME) Based on my memory it feels like the characters, including MC, need to be developed more personality wise. It is only 20 chapters in so I’ll excuse a lot but I think we need to see an event at the start of the story that actually shows us who the MC truly is. A perfect event for this would be the death of his caretaker and revenge. Easily you can make that an emotional sequence that helps the MC find his role and ambition in this new world. As for the Batman's son storyline, I’m a little on the fence about it so… I know we all love Wonder Woman but honestly just stick with Raven. It wouldn’t be a deal breaker if you went with both though. Make the MC appear more cool to others early on. Like if you make him a villain/anti hero that runs into young justice, they fight, he beats a bunch of them but ultimately gets defeated after backup arrives or something that would be cool. It would also be a perfect way for him to get recruited. I'm pretty sure I missed a couple other things but I talked about what mainly bugged me with the story. Author don’t give up. We are desperate nowadays as every story on this platform is just some Chinese translation. Also keep up your Twilight fic as well :)
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I like it, Mr. Shane. I see a lot of hate for a certain love interest but Savannah is on top(FIGHT ME IDC). I hope you keep the plot of the MC moving onto bigger and better things going as I would love to see other cool inclusions. Only problem I have had is Fiona as a love interest but it seems you have already noticed and corrected. I do recommend maybe rewriting some of the earlier weird Fiona stuff but that’s just me. I see a lot of simps for Fiona so it’s probably not a big deal for them. Don’t have anything else to say besides the fact that I have no idea where the story is going but I’m still excited for it. :)
Waking up as a Ghallager (Shameless USA, 2011 SI)
TV · Shane_Town