Shigure2 - Profile

I agree with the rashness in the peace talks but I think the whole rescuing nebula could be salvaged as human empathy in that he has been in the situation of prolonged imprisonment and doesn’t wish to see any possibility of it happening to another But yeah the interruptions in the “peace” talks was really rash and in reality I’d expect mace windu to smack him on the back of the head for his rudeness and interruptions lol But hey fan fiction will be such

“There was even an egg sandwich for me” Egg? Sandwich? … Wait a minute…

Good chapter

Honestly yeah, too many authors forget that even for love the hero’s still wouldn’t follow the protags morals if they were that messed up, or they try change the protagonist and make them less like how they were not even a chapter ago, it’s like people wouldn’t really change their whole world view and be ok with it you know? But hey I’m hopeful, the story has remained good so far, the only complaint I really have is that I don’t like waiting after each chapter lol

I mean…. He DID seal jeans memories away out of fear of her powers *pushes up glasses* He also sealed away an ai that the danger room had that was brought in by the alien tech they used to build it that then went mad and tried to kill everyone in the comics But yeah in all seriousness this ain’t him but hey that’s what fanfics are for lol You get manipulative dumbledores everywhere….

TFTC Leaving us in suspense here lol

My bad just realised that he has an older brother lol

“He is the second born and is male” Think you meant first born? Great chapter looking forward to the rest

“You can be a leader, or a follower, or a loner. You can be a warrior, or a mage, or a thief. You can be a human, or an elf, or a dragon“ Used “or a” a lot (again may be better to just keep it as a simple list (unless… is that a jojo’s reference?(ora ora ora ora get it?)) “ You can be a leader, a follower, a loner! You can be a warrior, mage even a thief. You can be a human, elf or a dragon?” Though for future probably keep lists and rules of three to a minimum, using something like that too much gets old really quickly, humans are extremely fickle lol

“ the same old stories, the same old patterns, the same old outcomes. I want something new, something different, something unpredictable” This is probably the best example of using the same words a lot Using the same descriptors as part of it kinda takes away a little as well might be better as: “the same stories, same patterns, same outcomes. I want something new, different and something unpredictable”

I kinda messed up with the quotation marks but hopefully you get the point

“ excitement. A world where you can be happy." It said, with excitement coming out of his voice with every word he spoke.” using the same word twice in close succession kinda takes away from the impact you could put: “ excitement. A world where you can be happy." It said, with euphoria/joy coming out of his voice with every word he spoke.” Or even just a descriptor before it like “childlike Joy”

LOLLLL

“chakra, and seals, and ninjutsu” I noticed you did this a lot between this chapter and through Truths talking as Truth had lots of lists where he repeated what he last said (which in all fairness is kinda par for the course with Truth he’s a weird little guy) When making a list you don’t have to put and for each thing so thing like this become: Chakra, seals and ninjutsu The last thing of the list doesn’t need a comma and you can tell it’s the last thing as list will always end with “and”. Good premise tho

Gangsta hagrid lol

Honestly if people want an immediate strong mc fic they can find that else where, what I think they fail to understand is that weak to strong is generally what most people prefer But regardless of that it’s something you’re writing for free and for you own enjoyment you shouldn’t have to bow down to make a few ungrateful people happy. A good note to have is that if you get lots of views a few good responses and a medium amount of negative ones, well people complain more if they are unhappy and on the other hand nobody talks when they are happy or more simply: silence on the majority of readers just means you’re doing a good job Keep it up, really like this