alexistherukus

26d

Commented

you have said this guys mind was wondering like 3 times man

I try and focus on the documentary, but my mind keeps on wandering. I keep on coming back to what the doctor said to me after my Dad's passing. He explained it as some sort of heart disease. I clutch my chest, the feeling of pressure still there… What if… No! I roll over and stick my face in the cushion, a feeling of anxiety washing over me. I can't help but let my mind wander.

Master of Biological Magics

Fantasy · GarvinofDoom

alexistherukus

26d

Commented

Good ending tho

ch 0 1 Introduction

Master of Biological Magics

Fantasy · GarvinofDoom

alexistherukus

26d

Commented

Like this was a good paragraph to ahow that he lives alone without doing too much to just tell us

This paragraph has been deleted.

Master of Biological Magics

Fantasy · GarvinofDoom

alexistherukus

26d

Commented

Instead of directly telling us that he lives alone and his family sucks all in one go, which is kinda a dump of information, try to show us that slowly. Leave space for the reader to come up with their own conclusions until you get a chance to show them. It will help keep people reading and interested bc they don't know were the story is gonna go next

This paragraph has been deleted.

Master of Biological Magics

Fantasy · GarvinofDoom

alexistherukus

26d

Commented

I told u I was gonna judge you harshly but I think you should add a paragraph or two in-between this and the last ones bc it feels like you are rushing the story. We went from her asking the class a question to her handing out a test with nothing of substance in the middle of it. You need to get people hooked on the first chapter and when you rush through it people don't get to know anything about your character all we know right now is that he's smart. Other than that it's good so far