lucypyon

You are very welcome, I hope this means more people will see and read your story and give you feedback as well. Also, more lesbian content! You absolutely have my attention! [img=Loving it]

Since you inspired me to post my own story here on WebNovel as well, after seeing yours on Royal Road, I thought it was only right to post my review here as well. I am leaving what I wrote on Royal Road the same here, but adjusting the scores as best I can to fit my feelings. Style Score: 4/5 Fun, breezy style that is quick but still easy to follow. The story doesn't use much descriptive language, but what is there does exactly what it needs to, pulling me into the story and world and providing enough immersion to make the school, the playing fields, and Hanamura as a whole feel like a real place. As mentioned, it is very quick; paragraphs are mostly short, except when describing the girls playing football, which makes sense and makes those sections read a bit like battle scenes, which I like a lot. One aspect I am on the fence about is how some of the dialogue is handled and the way it is used to present different characters, sometimes it feels very hieghtened or overplayed, not to the point that I dislike it or anything, just at times it can feel a little over the top, I think the best example of this is Chizuru's constant reminders of her bones aching and that she is an old man, I don't think its bad or doesn't work, just feels a bit overdone, and feels like its foreshadowing something for the future but keeps reminding me of that at every opportunity when its doesn't need to, thus blunting that foreshadowing to the point where whatever comes is expected and then fails to land with the desired punch, then again I could be reading too much into this and it might just be something you put in as a recurring gag. Overall, I like the style; it reminds me of my own quite a bit, in fact. It can be a bit bland at times, but it still serves the story and characters well, and I can only see it improving as the story progresses. Story Score: 5/5 Really fun so far, especially thanks to the characters and the desire to see how things develop. For me personally, the story is hampered a little by its focus on football, but that is only a personal gripe due to my lack of interest in the sport. Using it as a vehicle to explore and watch these characters grow, I think, is a very good choice, and the knowledge of sport displayed, while limited at the moment, is very clear; as a writer, you love the sport and want to present it in the best light possible, which is a passion that even for me, who fell out of interest in the sport a long time ago, shines through a lot and makes me want to keep reading. Grammar Score: 4.5/5 Overall, the grammar is great. I did notice a few misspelt words here and there and the occasional incorrect word, like a 'do' that should be a 'does'; but I didn't notice any missing commas or other punctuation. And nothing I saw was anything I wouldn't also see in a printed book, and more importantly, while these occasionally broke the flow of the story and my reading, none of them got in the way of my enjoyment. Character Score: 4.5/5 The characters are really fun and interesting; I love Madoka a lot, and the cast around her all feel like different people with their own lives. As mentioned in the style section, I do feel like characters can be a bit over the top sometimes, but I largely like them all. The only major problem I have at the moment is simply the amount of them, I get that you are building a football team and need 11 players, but I just feel like in these early chapters as fun as they are, as a reader I am just being bambared with characters, that while all are fun, because their intros are all so quick when they are named dropped later or are talking to Madoka, I often am asking "Who are you again?" or am confusing them with someone else. That said, by this point a lot of the characters' personalities have been shown enough that I know who is who, even if I might still mix up names here and there at first. Overall Score: 4.5/5 Overall, I am loving it so far, and I can't wait to read more. That said, the lesbian himejoshi in me, due to the sheer amount of characters, is very much looking at all of them, confused as to who is going to be the main 'lesbian romance' that the story is tagged with. At first, I thought it might be Natsu, then Arisa, and now I am just kind of confused, but still intrigued by the possibilities; that said, that is likely just a me thing, and maybe I'm looking for something that isn't there. But aside from that, I love it so far, and my issues feel mostly minor and personal, rather than actual issues with the story, characters or writing.