Chapter 18: Fusing my past with the present

Recalling my dream, my mind questioned its authenticity. The place was somewhere I usually hanged out with Harry and our friends that was back when my brother was still alive. It was typical for me to stay late while I waited for Harry, who was training as a baseball pitcher.

In fact, I liked it because I loved stargazing in the open stadium, especially if the sky was clear as I laid down on the bleachers or even in the grass field when the practice took longer than usual until the late of the night.

I tried to recall the face of the man who was definitely present in my dream, but the details were blurred by a shadow. I was not sure if it was the weak light or something else. The only thing that was clear are those eyes that resembled Nathan's blue one. What was Nathan's connection to my dream?

Maybe it was just a coincidence, or a random scene that my mind created. Just like all the other dreams that I could not explain. Dreams that had no actual meaning, but my mind simply playing tricks on me.

Then, why did my heart feel like grieving, longing for someone that I already lost when I stared at those beautiful eyes? My mind might have forgotten, but my heart seemed to remember. Was he real? I must be going crazy because it did not make any sense.

I took my phone from my bag and dialed a number. "I miss him so much." I needed to talk to someone, and I only wanted to hear the voice of one person.

"I know honey. I miss him too." Finally, a tear fell, and I knew I did the right thing. Then the line went quiet. I could hear my mom stifling a sob, and I wished I could hug her. I never like hearing her cry. It just tore my heart more. "Did something happened?"

I was able to prevent myself from bursting into a blubbering mess. Mom had gone through enough, so I did not want to make her worry more than necessary.

I told my mom how I missed my brother. Mom and I were never close before. Harry was her favorite, and I was closer to my Dad. I never minded it. It was just what it was. When Dad died, Mom had to find work, so she could pay the bills and take care of our needs.

While Harry took over our Dad's place. He made sure to take care of me. Listening to my whining, making sure that I did what I had to do. In essence, he became my dad, my brother and my bestfriend rolled into one.

After the accident and Harry died, my mom made an effort to bridge the gap between us. It was just the two of us, so we had to be there for each other. At least, our newfound connection lessened the void that Harry left in my heart.

"Errhh, I went on a date last night." I finally confided in her. There was always a first time, and this would be one of them.

"With Daniel. That's nice." Her mood suddenly shifted from gloomy to excitement. I could feel her smile even if I could not see her. That definitely change my mood too.

"Not with him." I quickly corrected her and clarified that Daniel was just a friend. Although Daniel and I dated once, I did not want to complicate it by telling my mom about it.

"Okay. So, who's the new guy?" Mom asked curiously. She probably sensed that I was a bit hesitant when I did not answer right away. "What's the problem? Did something happen? You know you can tell me anything." I knew she was dying to know the whole story.

How could I tell my mom that I was very attracted to Nathan, but I was afraid because he was a womanizer? He had the ability to hurt me since I could easily see myself falling for him. Should I risk my heart and take a chance with him, or should I just ignore the attraction, and I avoid him instead?

Then, why did I have that weird feeling of déjà vu. As if, I knew Nathan from somewhere every time I would stare into his eyes. The connection was undeniably strong that it scared me. I never felt like this before. When we kissed, the effect clearly indicated that I was in danger of falling too hard for him.

"Honey, are you still there?" I did not realize that I had been silent for some time, and she had grown more concerned.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I just remembered something. Anyway, his name is Nathan. I met him at the diner," I said. "... but, I don't think that we had anything in common," I quickly added.

"Are you sure? You should give your dates a second chance, or you'll never find anyone special to love." Mom and her words of wisdom.

"I'm trying, but I just haven't found the right man for me." I knew my mom meant well. "I think he was not it." She was skeptical of my excuse, but she did not press on.

"I love you Cupcake!" Hearing my Dad's endearment from my mom lightened the heaviness I felt in my heart. It always had a calming effect on me.

"I love you, Mom." I heard the click of the phone, and then the line was quiet again. I stared at the empty screen, wishing to see my family's faces again. All I saw was a blurred reflection of myself, alone in my room.

What was wrong with me? I just went on two great dates with two attractive men. I should be rejoicing, instead, I still felt like something was missing.

My life for the last two years since the accident was not my own. I live with the constant fear of losing the people I loved. Losing my dad, and then my brother really did a number on me. It paralyzed me and held me back from living.

I just realized that I was totally messing my life by fusing my past with the present. Mom was right. I had to lessen my obsession with my dreams. I had to give myself a chance to be here in the moment and not trapped in my lost memories. I guessed it was time for me to live again.

I was taking a shower after an emotional day when the bell rang. I grabbed my robe and checked myself if I was decent enough before sprinting to the door when it kept on blaring. I almost slipped since my feet was a bit wet, making me want to strangle whoever was at the other side of the door.

"I'm coming," I shouted as I neared the source of the noise. One more buzzed, and I would cut the finger of whomever that was pressing on that button.

I unlocked the door, but left the chain still in its hook before slightly opening it to see the unknown visitor. "Stop buzzing before my neighbors start complaining." I reprimanded.

Of course, who else could it be? "What are you doing here?" Still feeling a little irritated while taking the chain off and opening the door wide as I stood in front of him.

My features softened upon seeing a big bouquet of roses. I could not help but smile at his big gesture. I loved roses. There were also two brown bags on the floor just beside his feet. I surmised it to contain some grocery items and a bottle of wine.

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