/ Sci-fi / Loyalties of the Lost
Synopsis
Israel Ramos had nothing good come to him at every turn misery and despair until one day he gets adopted by the foundation and given his gift they say it is human advancement but the rabbit hole is much deeper than that.
Chapters Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday
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- Character Design
- World Background
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Well, the dark themes are pretty interesting, but I don't think they're utilised properly. In general, it's very hard to tell what the plot actually is since the descriptions are brief and switch very suddenly, which is jarring. This story would really benefit from explanations on the world these characters are in, even short ones. The dialogue gets better in later chapters, but the first few are really hard to sit through because of errors and general fluidity issues. For the dialogue specifically, it would help to explain the expressions/emotions of the characters so it's clear who's actually speaking. Other than that, it's fine, it doesn't sound too forced or unnatural but it does sound flat sometimes when the characters aren't described. Pacing is very disorienting, since every transition is summed up with 'five hours later:' '7 minutes later:' etc. It feels more like reading the synopsis for a story on the wiki. Also, I would really recommend more line breaks in your descriptions and POV segments. From what I can tell, most of the worldbuilding is focused onto the first 5 chapters, and later chapters are more dialogue-based. This approach isn't bad, but it will discourage any new readers from simply skipping ahead to avoid the massive walls of text, or even leave altogether. Overall, the 11 chapters I read weren't bad, I liked the themes of neglect and whatnot. It would really help to update your earlier chapters, though.
Soo, what happened man? saw you deleted some chapters, dont give up! i'm starting to feel a urge to come back, and people say i've improved my writing! but i wanted to see you there too! did something happen man?
Its a bit dark but its kinda alright, its pretty easy to understand for me and this gave off game cutscenes vibes, the story atleast theres way more parts where describes what he sees and do than any text, i suppose this story is going to reveal things with the chapters ongoing, but its not entirely bad.