I look at her and she does the same. Her expression is blank, I can't read her right now, and she has the most readable face. I take a deep breath because this is the moment of truth. She either accepts me or not.
Her eyes become moist but she remains quiet.
"Say something," I plead desperately.
Slowly a smile creeps up to her face and that scares me. I don't know what she is thinking. Is she okay with this, does she accept me? Mom is the only family I have left and her opinion is actually very important to me. She means the world to me and it would be heartbreaking if she doesn't actually accept me.
"Thank you for telling me this," she leans forwards until I am in her arms. I release the breath I have been holding ever since I said those words. There is relief in the pit of my stomach because even though she hasn't said it, I know she doesn't hate me. I know she will be okay with my newfound sexuality.
I stay in her arms and it reminds me of when I was a little boy. Mom was my best friends. I would always stick to her side 24/7. Growing up I tried to be independent and withdrew a bit from her but I am glad to call her my mother.
"You are the reason why I live; you are my world. Thank you for sharing a part of you with me today," she pulls back from the hug and there are tears in her eyes.
"Thank you, mom,"
She smiles "So who is this boy?" there is a gleam in her eyes and suddenly everything seems right with the world.
"She didn't freak out?" Jack asks as we walk down the halls of our high school. People pass by us and some rudely hit us to scurry along. I shake my head because remembering her reaction makes me feel like I take on this new me with ease.
"She cried though,"
He furrows his brow "Men, ya'll were in some drama shit," he chuckles at his own joke. Yes, last night was a stepping stone for me because I got the most important person to accept me. It means a lot to me that I don't have to worry about anything but being happy. I want to be with Ford, I want him to accept himself the way I have but I know it is going to be hard.
We texted all night, somehow the fact that I know his name feels like I know all of him. He opened a door to his heart yesterday and I am excited to explore every nook and cranny.
"When next are you gonna see your boo?" he asks as we stop in front of our lockers. I open mine and grab a notebook for my next class. He is waiting for a response and I realize I don't have an answer to that, it's just been a day and we haven't really talked about meeting. He wants to see me again but I don't know when.
"I don't know, we didn't talk about it."
"Don't you want to see him again," he asks.
I nod "Should I text him? I don't want to seem clingy."
He laughs "He asked to see you the last time, you should initiate this time. You're both dudes, so this is different and besides, it doesn't have to be the guy all the time,"
He has a point but I don't want to overthink this. I just want to go with the flow and texting to ask to see him seems desperate. "Text him dude," he is peering over at me, waiting for me to listen to him.
I am not sure I want to listen to his advice.
"Come on," he urges.
I release a sigh and grab my phone from my locker, he watches me with a gleam in his eyes as I open our chat on IM. His last message from last night comes into view and a blush creeps up to my face. Jack chuckles obviously reading a private moment. Sometimes I wish he'd have some boundaries but it's not like I even stop him from being so nosy.
"You guys are so lame," he continues giggling like some fangirl.
"Fuck off," I push him away and he laughs even harder.
I type fast and shoot him a quick hello. The message delivers and as we wait for a reply jack groans "This is gonna take forever, we will be late for class," he hits my shoulder gently and closes his locker "Come on, we gotta go."
I follow him to my next class hoping for a quick reply. I miss him and I want to see him again. During biology, I hear the beep of my phone and a smile pops up to my face. I know it's him instantly, I have been waiting for his message for the whole day.
I hide my phone under the table to see his reply.
The stupid smile on my face is almost irritating to me even though I can't see it. I am just happy to hear from him. I don't care about anything but him at this moment. Jack peers into my phone "He replied?"
Mr Rogers glares at us and I drop my phone so as not to get caught. Jack chuckles because somehow this is funny to him. I roll my eyes and focus on the lesson ahead but my mind is so far from learning about the human digestive system. All I want to do is reply to Ford and hear his voice and see him. Fuck, I am so hooked on this boy, this is not a good thing.
The bell rings and I jump off the stool and run out of the class so fast that I stumble and hit Mr Rogers. My phone drops to the floor and I groan praying it is not broken "Where is the rush Lance?" he questions.
I pick up my phone and luckily the screen is intact "I am so sorry, have to go to the bathroom," I lie. He lets it slide and I run out of the classroom. I open my messaging app and there are numerous messages from him.
*Sorry I replied late, had basketball practice*
*I miss you too*
*Guess now you're the busy one*
The last message comes twenty minutes after the first two. There is a smile on my face as Jack creeps up behind me. He reads the messages on my phone and his smile widens "You guys are fucking cringy," he exclaims with a barf expression on his face.
"Should I tell him I miss him too?"
"You miss who?" Eren, a mutual friend walks up to us and asks. His hair is a bright purple today. The last time I saw him, he had red hair. He seems to be in his exploration phase. He always has a new look on him. Eren is a friend that we sometimes hang around with. He is the only other person I can tolerate. He squints his blue eyes and the dimple on his cheek deepens. He Is dressed in a pink plaid shirt and black jeans.
"None of your business," I tell him as I take my phone away from their view. Jack laughs and I hit him on his chest playfully.
Eren never gets upset when I am rude, he is used to my attitude. In fact, me being rude to him is how we even became friends. We walk down the hallway until we get to the cafeteria. Everyone is already seated and eating. The lines are not as long as they would've been if we had come five minutes earlier.
We grab trays and get on the line to get our food "Are we telling Eren about your lover?" Jack whispers in my ear. He wants to be sure that I am ready to come out of the closet. I don't think I have any issues with letting him know, if he is not okay with it, then I don't mind losing that friendship. Jack is the only one that I can honestly not stand to lose. He is the only friend that I want to have forever.
"Sure," I mutter nonchalantly.
"What are we talking about?" Eren asks as we collect our food and head on to our table. We usually rarely have any other guests at our table. Jack is popular but people tend to lie avoiding me, and funny enough I love the avoidance. In life, you don't need to be surrounded by too many people, just the important ones; and these are my important ones.
"Our boy here is in love," Jack slides his arm around my shoulders and the dreamy look on his e makes me roll my eyes.
"Holy shit, you serious?"
i know Eren never thought he'd see the day but here we are. "Yes, we are, our baby is all grown up and shit," he laughs at his own joke.
Eren's eyes are wide and he is waiting for details "Who picked your fancy, this is like major news. I can't believe you suddenly got so interesting overnight," he hollers.
Jack laughs again "You think he is interesting, wait till you hear the rest."
"Fucking tell me already," he exclaims impatiently.
"Our boy here plays for the other team?" he says it so calmly that it is unexpected. I look at Eren for his reaction. This is the moment, when you're about to come out of the closet, this is the moment you dread, because you don't know what is coming next. I don't care if he doesn't accept me because I accept myself but I also want him to be okay with it. I want him to be excited for me, I wish the world didn't have to be this way. I wish there was equality in being gay.
At first, he doesn't understand Jack but recognition hits his face and the confused expression vanishes and a gleam takes over instead. A slow smile forms on his face as it hits him "Holy shit, Holy shit," he repeats.
I smile with a nod because I can tell his reaction from his expression. I won't be losing a friend today "you have to tell me everything," he comes closer to me getting too excited.
After school, we walk out of the building to the parking lot and Jack smiles when we see the Westerville prep building. I know why he is smiling; he is thinking about Ford and how we could bump into each other. "Don't you wanna see your boyfriend in person?" he says finally.
I shake my head "That's not possible."
He furrows his brows "Why not, it could be romantic just text him and tell him you're outside. He could come meet you."
I shake my head "Trust me, he won't want that,"
I know Ford is still unsure of who is—or maybe afraid to be who he is. The fact that he didn't want to tell me his name says a lot. He wouldn't like me barging in on his life when he is not ready to share that life with me.
"Why not, come on just take a risk for once in your life, look for him and if he denies you then you know. You never know unless you try." he is trying to convince me. He is succeeding.
"Are you sure it's a good idea?"
He nods his head. I grab my phone from my back pocket and the last message he sent comes into view and makes me smile. He said he missed me; I miss him too and I wouldn't mind seeing him for even just a second "I am going to go," I tell Jack.
I type into my phone *What if you could see me right now?*
He rolls his eyes and nods "Duh, you need to see your man," he exclaims.
I smile "I am going to do this,"
I send him a text as I leave Jack in the parking lot and walk over to the gates of his school. The message delivers as I walk into the building, this is the first time I've ever entered his school, there are students all around and they are in their uniforms. I hold unto my phone because I don't know where he could be, he has to reply to me for me to even find him. I look out of place here dressed in ripped jeans and a plain white t-shirt. People look at me as I pass by but no one talks to me.
I am in the hallways of their school and as I feel the beep of my phone excitement kicks in. He replied. I look at my phone and his reply make my cheeks red.
*I'd be the happiest boy in the world*
*Your wish could come true if you want*
I hear a loud ding in the hallway as I send the message and this makes me lookup. I see him at a far corner in front of a locker room and he is looking at his phone. There is a smile on his face and my heart races at the view. He is so close to me and all the feelings in me, fight each other to come out. He hasn't seen me yet, his browns crease obviously from my message. I like watching him, but I don't want to be a creep.
*Look up* I send him a text.
The message delivers and he looks up immediately. The smile on his face evaporates and a frown settles there. He doesn't look happy to see me. The frown is so deep, that regret kicks in. I shouldn't have come; this was a mistake. He doesn't reply to my message and I watch him as he puts his phone in his bag pack and turns around. A girl in a cheerleader's uniform runs over to him and I watch her embrace him lovingly.
My heart shatters as I realize something.
I am nothing to him.
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