Webnovel Author: MeowBDS - Novel Collection

MeowBDS

2yr

Commented

you forgot to get rid of the parentheses statement... lol get rid of it!!!

Back For My Daughter

Urban · HaoShu

MeowBDS

2yr

Commented

Nothing is wrong with this last sentence! Whew! I'm tired after all that effort. I will not be doing this again for a long time (proof reading is taxing). I hope you get some good takeaways from my proofreading! In addition to that, one of the mother reasons as to why I wanted to do this was because I wanted to show you how much English-as-a-first-language readers have to proofread on their own in order to make sense of the plot and story of these web novels. Again, I can't stress how good your English is, and hope to see you improve so that I can enjoy more of your future work! The easier it is to read, the more willing I am to read it.

Back For My Daughter

Urban · HaoShu

MeowBDS

2yr

Commented

-> After he passed through the crack, the space started healing itself, and there was nothing left of Ye Qian. (Using "Ye Qian" instead of "him" is purely my opinion, but it feels more poetic,)

Back For My Daughter

Urban · HaoShu

MeowBDS

2yr

Commented

-> They were starting to cry and were on their knees bowing. He sighed, turned his head to the direction of the Golden Armoured Man and nodded while entering the space crack. (Another good example of instead of saying "and" multiple times in one sentence, you can treat all the actions Ye Qian does as a list.)

Back For My Daughter

Urban · HaoShu

MeowBDS

2yr

Commented

-> Before he tried to enter the tear, he turned around to take one last look at his family here.

Back For My Daughter

Urban · HaoShu

MeowBDS

2yr

Commented

-> With that slash, the space barrier started to compress and crack, showing a tear large enough to let a person enter. The suction force was immense, pulling Ye Qian in. However, this suction was only experienced by Ye Qian himself, while the space debris and rocks surrounding him were unaffected by the suction force. (Same problem as the paragraph above, just a lot of little mistakes.)

Back For My Daughter

Urban · HaoShu

MeowBDS

2yr

Commented

-> What he didn't know about was that there was another clause which was not known, because people of the Greater Heaven never tried to go to the mortal realm when they were given the chance to enter the God Realm. (Just a lot of little mistakes that added up, but it was easy to clean.)

Back For My Daughter

Urban · HaoShu

MeowBDS

2yr

Commented

Another run on sentence with too many commas. Think of different punctuations as different lengths of pausing. Period is a regular pause, comma is a short pause, and new paragraph is a long pause. It's not the most accurate analogy, but it should help. -> With that, Ye Qian used his Spirit Energy to create a sword shadow and slashed at the space barrier. He cultivated all the way to Void Immortal, because he learned that after the tribulation, one could tear the space barrier and pass through it. There were two paths though: One that leads to the mortal world, and the other that leads to the God Realm. If one goes to the God Realm, he or she will get an increase in power due to their ascension, but if one goes to the mortal world, his or her strength will be suppressed due to the mortal world limitations.

Back For My Daughter

Urban · HaoShu

MeowBDS

2yr

Replied to TenserHtoo

That's usually how these cultivation things go. It's kinda like nerfing OP players. Think about it this way: If lower worlds can't suppress powerful people from higher worlds, then lower worlds would be easily destroyed, and that's a no-no.

Back For My Daughter

Urban · HaoShu

MeowBDS

2yr

Commented

-> "Fine, let's go"

Back For My Daughter

Urban · HaoShu

MeowBDS

2yr

Commented

Don't forget the Question mark at the end.

Back For My Daughter

Urban · HaoShu

MeowBDS

2yr

Commented

-> After Ye Qian said that, the Crown turned transparent, went to his left hand, shrunk to the size of a finger ring and attached itself to his ring finger. (Once again, make sure to not use "he, him, his" too much without stating the character's name. Once again again, you can replace all of the "ands" with commas, as though you are making a list of actions. "Shrunk to the the size of a ring" isn't descriptive enough in this context, because you were calling the Crown a ring this entire time.)

Back For My Daughter

Urban · HaoShu

MeowBDS

2yr

Commented

-> "Okay, come!" ("Ok" is a short hand version of the real word, "Okay". "Ok" is not a real word, so you shouldn't use it in writing.)

Back For My Daughter

Urban · HaoShu

MeowBDS

2yr

Commented

-> The Crown, as though it read Ye Qian's thoughts, vibrated. (Everyone once in while, you should say Ye Qian's name instead of use "he" or "him." If you don't use the character's name for a long time, readers might forget who "he, his, him" is referring to.)

Back For My Daughter

Urban · HaoShu

MeowBDS

2yr

Commented

-> It appeared in his hand. 'Hmm, should I take it with me? But its power might decrease due to the suppression of Earth.'

Back For My Daughter

Urban · HaoShu

MeowBDS

2yr

Commented

-> Ye Qian sat in space for a while to stabilize his power. He began to cultivate, and as a few hours pass, his tendons and skin healed at a rapid pace, and his hair started growing back. (The word "hair" is singular whenever you refer to the whole body. The only time you use "hairs" is when the hairs are doing something. For example, "The hairs on his back raised up as he watched in disgust." Also, tendons grow before skin, and skin grows before the hair, so put the healing of each organ in proper order)