writer, and avid pervert across the street
2020-12-07 Joined Global
(I apologize if my corrections are offensive to you, I just want to help in any way I can, whether it be by correcting your grammatical errors, or changing the sentences to fit more cleanly, I love this series and I would love for more people to find out about it, but stories that aren't good in the grammar apartment won't succeed even if their stories are complete bangers.) this sentence can be made to be even more smooth by adding although in the front, and erasing the but and adding still after she: "although Oya's nature had always been violent, she still feel a special kind of pleasure..."
Oya's nature has always been violent, but she feels a special delight for brutalizing Lucien's and their family's enemies. Mama tigress is very proud, just like Lucien is, and both of them will not allow anyone to offend their family without suffering severe consequences.
Fantasy · LamenThief
although mentioning a variety of weapons can help in immersing the reader into the story, if said weapons were from totally different areas of the world without justification, it will cause a dissonance to form which will achieve the opposite of what it was intended to do. if this sentence were to be "the melee troops training in the field had an assortment of weapons to choose from; swords and axes made in portgreen, while more exotic weapons like the katana, were imported from the alliance. In addition to this, knives and daggers served as secondary weapons"
The melee troops train with naginatas, spears, greatswords, longswords, combat gauntlets, and axes as their primary weapon. They also train with short swords and daggers as secondary weapons.
Fantasy · LamenThief
just go to the site, my link is broken
Then the conference was over. The leaders of the vassal kingdoms and villages returned to their homes, and Ron returned to Bluewind to choose a ruler in his place as he will be living in Portgreen city from now on.
Fantasy · LamenThief
I'm noticing an increase in the use of then, when another word should have been there, in this case, it should have been "When the conference was over," A word of advice: if you want the readers to be more invested in your story, which translates to how popular it could be, using standard British or American English would go a long way. If you can't actively learn how to improve, I suggest using khan academy(or a site that serves a similar purpose). https://***.khanacademy.org/humanities/grammar
Then the conference was over. The leaders of the vassal kingdoms and villages returned to their homes, and Ron returned to Bluewind to choose a ruler in his place as he will be living in Portgreen city from now on.
Fantasy · LamenThief
assuming both tried to at least love her, I'd really say the queen was kind of a jerk towards her husband, and even if she didn't love him, at least treat him with some respect.(his family got her out of a tough situation)
They both loved her, they both tried to be by her side, and they both blew it in the end. Theodore and Bowen now had only painful memories.
Fantasy · LamenThief
since there is a comparison with the other girls, you should have written it "Lucien was generating the MOST energy,"
And Lucien, well, for him, the most important thing is to keep his girls safe and happy in his arms, so he is the person who is generating more demonic energy.
Lust Knight
Fantasy · LamenThief