- 0 d Continuous Writing
- 3.7 h of Reading
- 33 Read books
Levoniko
LV 1My mind often wanders. And I also mostly have nothing much to say. So why did I choose writing if I often run out of words even if my life depends on them? Beats me.
2021-04-27 Joined PhilippinesBadges 5
Moments 28
The attention to detail made the scene come alive especially the last line.
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RakhtaBhushan (Blood Ornament)- The Epic Saga
LGBT+ · FantasyBliss30
This vignette of a first chapter introduced concisely the MC and her status quo. I like the use of irony in the family name Best. The writing is good though it could use a tiny bit of refining. I'd suggest to drop the use of the words 'was' 'were' as in 'was laughing' or 'was 'studying' and the like. Try using active verbs instead: 'he laughed' and 'he studied'. Though there will be exceptions, of course. I'm happy with the POV. Try looking into the technique called 'free indirect discourse/style. It can help you add more attitude to the narration. Overall, it's a good start. Keep writing.
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Other filters here: glanced, saw, noticed. Try removing those and see how your narration tightens.
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NPC Code: Red Riding Hood
Fantasy · kuhaku_sora
Try using fewer filters like "I saw". Instead, you can write it as, 'His lips curled, snickering..." Especially for a story in first person, the narration should read as if the events are happening in front of the perspective character and the reader.
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NPC Code: Red Riding Hood
Fantasy · kuhaku_sora
The word 'me' pulled me out of the story since I thought the novel was going to be written in third person. I suggest establishing the POV at the very first sentence, even in the prologue. This can be achieved by describing the scene from the perspective character's eyes. Try making the details have a personal meaning to the narrator (who is the character as well).
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NPC Code: Red Riding Hood
Fantasy · kuhaku_sora
Verb tense needs to be consistent all throughout the novel.
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NPC Code: Red Riding Hood
Fantasy · kuhaku_sora
Channeling Jack Sparrow. It's good.
James looked at the rubble and back at the furious woman, a sheepish expression adorning his face. "Correction then. You should be thanking me for getting 'almost' everyone out." Her menacing growl in response to that made his trap shut faster than a bullet could leave his gun.
Infinite Resurgence
Fantasy · WriterSim13
The exchange of questions was fun. I was a bit expectant when you skipped the action in the ambush. But the verbal joust exceeded my expectation. Great job!
ch 0 9 Ride Home With The Tantric – Part 3 [Joga]
RakhtaBhushan (Blood Ornament)- The Epic Saga
LGBT+ · FantasyBliss30