Just a weeb, casually strolling through life with no plans in mind. Check out my novels if you want (some may not update for a while, be aware of that).
2021-09-19 Joined United States
When I say overall, I mean the previous two chapters.
ch 0 3 Restarting my life
Urban · Nerdy_Joker_101
So far, four chapters of all telling and no showing. You need scenes that walk your readers through your character's experiences, not walls of text explaining how someone thinks or what they did. Show what they did through action and a heavy sprinkling of dialogue. What did she say to her mother, to promise to be at the top? That would be something interesting to know. How did they interact? Was it moving, or was it the rigid expectations of a strict mother?
ch 0 4 Restarting my life 2
Urban · Nerdy_Joker_101
A somewhat confusing shift in pov. Maybe you're going to fix this in the future? Or if you're going to keep it in, you need to tie it to the overall 3rd person narration, maybe through a self-introduction? I don't know, it's just awkward.
ch 0 3 Restarting my life
Urban · Nerdy_Joker_101
This is missing an engaging, eye-catching opening first statement. Try asking a question, or posing a short statement that engages the reader in thought, before you jump into your exposition. It makes the tedium that much easier to read.
Lilith was an eight year old orphan. She lived in Saint Mary's orphanage. Lucky for her, she had been adopted by Mr and Mrs Anderson. The couple were a middle ranked American family. Mr Anderson was a medical practitioner while Mrs Anderson was a teacher at Beverly Hills High School.
Urban · Nerdy_Joker_101
Like those bad simulator games on steam where literally every one of the characters looks the same. What gets me is how some depict "children" as miniaturized adult assets. It's like looking at an insect next to its nymph. Cringeworthy, but hilarious at the same time.
'Not to mention the people here looking exactly the same…' Lorn muttered, looking around.
Games · POW
And so the grind begins. Wonder if this clay makes an endgame tier weapon. Knowing games, it's not impossible. *stares at Terraria*
"Fucking video games…" he murmured before picking it up.
Games · POW
Hate to think what would happen in the event of a brownout. Seriously, everyone's having an out-of-body experience here. Going to get sent to their maker prematurely if it did happen.
Now he could see what Reina meant. This definitely was a big surprise. And it was also very profitable, considering how big the gaming industry was, and how far the technology involved was being pushed. As long as they could solve the 80% chance of getting brain damage, the game built thanks to the #008 – 3 could be a huge success.
Games · POW
"We're gonna build a wall..." Forgive me, I had to. Lorn must be a connoisseur of walls to notice its quality so easily.
'Though to be fair, this town thing does have a pretty nice wall…'
Games · POW
Good lord, that was a lot of exposition. The majority of it made sense, but some things didn't. Like how Reina explains that they can copy consciousnesses, and yet they can only produce one copy. That sounds less like copying, and more like extraction. A ctrl + x instead of a ctrl + c, as it were. The Alicization arc of SAO did something similar, though they explained it with special fluctlight machines that modeled the brain, which had brain-like qualities because they were quantum machines. I don't know if that's what you're going for here, but simple "digital machines" wouldn't cut it in the real world. Might be something of a plot hole? Not sure.
ch 0 3 The Pioneer
Games · POW
Loan + shark. Literally in the name. Nice metaphor though.
"The victim needs to be careful," he said. "He can't be too loud. Because if the debtors see him again, he's going back to that miserable life once again. In fact, they've already seen him. They're like sharks. They don't let go unless they've eaten you whole."
Games · POW
I say Revelations, but only the parts where there's like "the trumpet of the lord" and such, where the Archangel Michael blows the trumpet that signals the end of the world.
Seijun: I will lose control of my self and in the worst scenario, I could destroy the Earth. it's called SCREAM OF AN ANGEL.
Action · KusouInari
I feel like you could draw a lot of inspiration from Revelations of the bible with this theme. Not to proselytize anyone or anything, but it would make for a very thematic storyline. I sense a great deal of potential with the idea you're going with.
Seijun: I will lose control of my self and in the worst scenario, I could destroy the Earth. it's called SCREAM OF AN ANGEL.
Action · KusouInari
An interesting way to interpret Melissa. She is rather brazen, considering what she attempted to do. Why it is, well, it's the old trope of following the pretty girl, you know? And of course, what she did interested Travis, so yeah. It will all come together, probably in chapter 22 or so.
Where Are You, My Author?
Urban · ShoeInk