- 0 d Continuous Writing
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HeziTheGreat
male LV 1I will post many short stories on here, royal road, and other sites in hopes of getting feedback and becoming a better writer. My dream is for someone to adapt my writing into a comic or animation.
2021-10-22 Joined United StatesBadges 6
Moments 17
Another very small error. The comma isn't needed in: "Probably the only expensive thing, Theodore ever carried with him." It reads awkwardly when pausing in that spot.
Theodore took a good look at his plasma bag. Though it was called a plasma bag, it didn't have any plasma. It did have a connection to the INterdimentinal Elevator though. The bag also had more space than a truck, though the actual size of the bag was a little more than a typical plastic bag. It wasn't very heavy either. Probably the only expensive thing, Theodore ever carried with him.
Conquering Space With My Licking System
Sci-fi · Nr_Yet1208
Just something very small I noticed. "Their eyes were locked on." Locked on what exactly? "on" isn't needed here because it makes it an incorrect sentence. You already tell us what was locked at the beginning of that sentence and the sentence before. "Their eyes locked." (My preference) or "Their eyes were locked on eachother." would be correct sentence structure.
She looked deep in his eyes. Their eyes were locked on. White strands of hair covered most of her face and touched the young man's face, ever so gently: her hair could move. And for once the young man didn't feel the instant fright he felt till now. "Who are you?"
Conquering Space With My Licking System
Sci-fi · Nr_Yet1208
I love planting foreshadowing seeds!
In my writing style, if it's inside quotations then it is spoken how that character actually talks. Not how I talk. You will notice many different speech patterns and individual speech quirks as you read.
"Remember, there's no guarantee we find Narfk. It has been thirty years since the exile. He may very well not be alive."
King Fool
Fantasy · HeziTheGreat
Nice introductory chapter that sets the scene for this world.
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Fantasy · chery_cabral
"Hikaru said as he curiously asked Rai." When you describe how something is said you can cut out "Hikaru said" and go right with the description. "Hikaru asked curiously."
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Fantasy · chery_cabral
New speakers should always get a new paragraph.
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Fantasy · chery_cabral
Just a note. Most of these quotations aren't needed, unless you are emphasizing every word or those are the titles of something. For example we don't write: "John" and I are going to "Walmart". We just write: John and I are going to Walmart.
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Fantasy · chery_cabral
Thank you, that will help out a lot. Sometimes it gets a little confusing finding a good spot to make a new paragraph. I try to avoid text walls.
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King Fool
Fantasy · HeziTheGreat
Honestly I thought it ran a little long and would be sore on the eyes but I didn’t know where I would split it. For reference, where would you separate the paragraph? Or are there any lessons somewhere on paragraph structure?
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King Fool
Fantasy · HeziTheGreat
Thank you. I will check yours out soon when I am home from vacation.
King Fool
Fantasy · HeziTheGreat