No. This whole beginning is just a massive hook for the rest of the story.
"Of course," she said and hurried to assist the wounded.
Fantasy · MrAuthor101
Yes.
ch 0 4 4. The balance between life and death
Fantasy · MrAuthor101
This is hardly a review, and the stars are for encouragement, becouse with some work this could be a great story. Let’s start from the beggining, as one should. You open with a sentence spoken by someone Quote: „...Another day alive in this shitty world.” It’s actualyl decent start. Indicates that whoever spoke it, presumably the protagonist, has a problem. This makes the readers curious what the problem is. But the dots should be after the sentence, not before it. If it’s supposed to indicate that there was something said priot to those words, you should use I believe (…) this. Let’s go further, where the problems begin to rise. You start saying too much, while descrybing only that the character of your story woke up. Instead you could for example play on the darkness, use it seemingly to describe what was around your character, but then link it to the feelings.Example: Exekiel awoke in the middle of the night. Only darkness sorounded him, the same emptines which filled his mind. A disconnection from the world around him. A world which felt pointless. ←Its not great. I wouldn’t even say it’s good, but it’s shows the idea. The next paragraff is just wrong. You are telling, and telling a lot. Avoid this info dumps becouse they are just boring. Instead cut the information in pieces, chucks. Present them as hints, outliners of what happaned in the past. You can use fhashbacks, or have other characters mention bits and pieces by speaking them out, or reaction in various ways. Example: „He got out of the bed, throwing the sheets away, and approached the window. Then he pushed the curtains to reveal the night sky with bright dots – the stars - and the sharp sickle of the moon. Enoguh to iluminate an old photo standing on windowsill. It showed a man and a woman, both having some similarities to Ezekiel’s facial features. He grabbed it, and looked at the familar faces of his parents. „Drunks”, he muttered, before chucking the photo through his room, where it smashed into some pieces of the furniture, interupting the silence with the sound of breaking glass.” See the diffrence? This isn’t by all means what you should do, only the general direction to follow. You have your own style, and its good – clean, and simple, easy to read (which is good, you want the clarity) you just need the pointers were to go. Then we have the Eruption, and the crunches. This is anovel, not a comic. In comic they use it, becouse the describe with pictures,a dn only need sounds to add a bit. You use words to describe stuff, so this shouldn’t happen in your novel. At least not in this way. Let’s jump further. You have your character comming out of the bathrrom and aproachign the window, but nothing about where he actually is, or what is behind the window. There should be something there. Othwrwise your readers see an empty space, adn your characters looking through an empty window. If you have a problems how to describe things, here is an advice (not from me, from an actual pro writer, whos name escapes me). Follow the senses. Describe as people would see, which generaly means you should start with light, or the lack of it. Then other senses. Sound, smell, touch. Go from generall stuff, to details. Obciously you can play with it, sometimes shift it of for example smell is so horrible that it hits your character like a truck. Or noise, if its head-splitting. Then you have continuation error. Your guy was by the window, but suddenly three paragraphs later he is getting out of the bed? If he moves, write it, don’t teleport him. Then we have a logical error. Buterflies don’t have blood. If you don’t know, or are not sure, google it. You can write story about lawyers without being a lawyer, but you will at least have to do SOME research. It has to be belivable. Then we have the part of the story about the girl and her dad. First of all, if the dude is drunk, make him look drunk. To me he seemed as sober as me writing it, and I am very sober. Stuter, belch, burp, stumble. If he is wrecked, make him look wrecked. The girl should be belivable as all. She is in the scene, so she can’t just freeze in a moment while things happen. She has to do stuff, or remove her from the picture. Make her run away or something. Otherwise she is looking at her father hetting snapped like a twig, and just doesn’t care, which is not belivable. Normal person would react somehow. Now to the general stuff. After reading your storry I don’t really know what it’s about. The protagonist just is. It’s not like he has a goal,a direction where to go. He should have one. If you have no idea what you are doing with it, go google Brandon Sanderson – Lecture #2: Plot. There are two parts of it, it’s great. It will open your eyes. It opened mine. On top of that we have mixing of times. You go in the past tense, but sometimes you turn to present. Example: „Ezequiel remains silent and with an indiffrent look looks at the drunk in front of him”. You also repeat words a lot, with the name, which you misspel later in the story, at the very front of this issue. As a rule of thumb you want to have at least six lines of text between any repetition, including names. Otherwise it’s a problem, so if there is an option to avoid it, you should. Sometimes it wont be possible, but you want to limit those exceptions If you ahve problems with spelling, use some software for example grammarly. I use it, its free. That would be all from me.
This book has been deleted.
I'll try to publish daily.
ch 0 5 5. The third trial
Fantasy · MrAuthor101
I just dropped on the forum a bit deeper dive into the basics of writing. I recommend it if you found the pointers useful. I'm happy my pointers helped you :)
Rebirth of The Devil: Locked Memories ??
Urban · Sweet_xiyue