/ Fantasy / False Aisle (Test-Revision)
Synopsis
A boy born in the wrong Kingdom and Family. Marvis ‘Furlock’ Asharion was born as a healer Class his family is well-known Warriors around the world. While the Kingdom of Aresian abhorred the healer class for a reason. He was disowned secretly since his a disgrace in the Bloodline of Asharion, but his grandparents secretly took him and took care of him.
The boy grew up and as a weak healer and now striving as an adventure and he will prove to his family and his kingdom that he will survive as a healer!
But Little did he know that the ‘warrior’ blood still runs in his veins.
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11Reviews
4.56
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- Character Design
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I liked it... I'm curious about how this story will go on. I didn't mind the grammar errors because I could understand what you were trying to say. You have a good story and I hope to see more. I want to read more so I'm adding this. Good luck, author
The idea of the story is good. It is developing well. The character design and the world background is good too. The only issue is with the writing. There seems to be a problem with sentence construction and grammar. Since this is your first book, one tends to make mistakes. Don't feel that I am trying to discourage you. On the contrary, I would suggest that you read a few novels online ( not all from webnovel) as all are not tip top in grammar etc. Try Sherlock Holmes etc. Those will help. Before publishing your chapter, I would suggest that you run it through a grammar checker. This will eliminate the mistakes you are making and may suggest alternative words too. I am doing so. All the best.
Very promising start and possesses a lot of potential! The author has room for improvement when it comes to writing quality but I think I already see a little improvement in what is already there. The concept is fun and I see a lot of different potential paths this story can take. I'm looking forward to more and I'm sure the author won't disappoint!
Overall, the story is good. I like the fact that the MC doesn't any cheat abilities yet. World building is on the spot. Though I agree with someone that suggest that a healer should bring a backup weapon. Overall is very good. Keep it up author
First, my comment here is neither positive or negative, just some sharing of my thoughts. You are using a first-person point of view for your story, which I think is quite rare and hard to write. But it's your writing style, so go ahead with it. Another point is that, your story writing style is really similar to role-playing writing, which I'm not getting used to it, but that's purely my problem. And it seems like you have some discrimination in the healer, I do think that the reason why people in the kingdom don't like the healers is a bit too plain, you can explain it more details to let people know why healers are considered as 'useless' in the kingdom. Just my personal opinion, because I like the healer class a lot.
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Promising start. Grammar could use some work, but the story is solid. Keep on writing and hone those skills. I'll jump back in when there's more chapters to sink into.
I definitely like this story! It definitely reminds me of all the MMORPGs I play as a mage or thief. It's got great background that connects well and explains clearly the reason for their resentment towards the healer class. Your characters are quite well-developed, they've got goals, strengths and weakness in their classes, and nice personalities. The pacing is good, not too slow nor too fast. Just the right pace. And I recommend improving and working on your writing style. The typos did distract me from time to time but not major enough to slow my progress in reading. I totally agree with Saint's review but with additional advice. Since your story is based on the magical adventure and fighting monsters, you can try out novels with similar themes and take note (mentally and through understanding) how they work on their novel, mainly on their writing style. Tho, it might not be much, I hope it helps you. Anyhow, this was fun to read!
This story is an absolute treat for me since I‘m a gamer myself. Writing style wise, it can be improved especially the use of preposition. Beside that I think it’s already good enough. The transition is already smooth as well as the flow of the story. It doesn’t look awkward at all. The world building is a thumbs up for me. The author provides enough information for it. Not too much not too little. I prefer it when the author would reveal the world bg little by little through the story. I do believe the armor and weapons as well as item could be explained in more details though. For example like a warrior most sought sword, Excalibur or sth. Anyway overall, it’s good for me but it can be improved. Keep up the good work author! I’ll be waiting for the next chapter!
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Nice start and good companionship between the friends... despite the little typos everything is good and good background knowledge...bloodlust thing..it sure caught my interest...
Hey there! Good day for writing! If you wanted to see whether you can get paid by distributing the current work or getting financial support by writing new work, you might want to contact cttbx123@gmail.com. A brief introduction, some sample chapters or links will be appreciated when reaching out.
Well overall, let me say this too you. You have got a nice story. Character and world building is going well. And the MC you currently have is of my taste. But your main problem is with writing. So here are some tips. 1. Try to use past tenses since you are writing in third Person's POV 2. Read a lot of novels, there are some site too which are good for new author's, just browse through them. 3. It's my personal opinion, edit the chapters and continue to improve your chapters. Don't drop the novel, if you wanna improve. I have gone through it too. And I improved a lot. I was no better than you. You are doing great man. People need courage to write, because there will always people to make fun of you. Just keep up the hardwork. And if you want to ask anything. Just hit me on discord. ReincarnatedSaint#2904