Webnovel Author: Jason_Coonce - Novel Collection

I really like this book so far, the first chapter immediately grips you. The characters are well written, as is the world so far. Mind you I’m 8 chapters in and there is a lot of twists and turns story wise that I’m surprised at but I'm excited to see what this book holds in store.

Oh man, I’m sorry bro. Writing is a never ending work lol

If that is the case I will go back and read through it, I still think that I would go back and add more to that scene. It’s pretty abrupt and could use more detail in the young kids emotions and the fact that they were getting adopted, as from what I read they had been there a long time. For them being adopted would be a huge deal and I feel like they would react a lot more than just ”oh! This guy was In a picture with my family!” We’re going home with him. If that makes sense? It’s your story my friend, if you feel I’m out of line please let me know

Do you feel as though I was too hasty or missed some things? I’ m curious as to what you think

Certainly, so it’s mainly the scene changes. The biggest one is the one at the orphanage, there are others but this one is more glaring for story purposes. The mc just shows a picture of him as a kid and then the kids just immediately come live with him? There was no set up for it, what about the kids emotions? What about the process of actually adopting these kids? Especially since a few scenes before he said he was only 17 and wouldn’t be adopting anyone. Just more detail in the scenes regarding what the characters are feeling and set up for the scene change. As of right now, it’a very abrupt.

It explains it more in detail in the later chapters, mainly chapter 3. chapter 1-2 are basically what happened to Ethan as a child. The portions where I was talking to the reader were intentional. Was it that jarring? I was trying to add some levity to the scene mainly due to how dark it was.

Awesome! I am glad I could help out!

So i like the direction the book is taking, not only that but the world is decently fleshed out. However, the main reason I rated it lower is this. The pacing is super off and doesn’t do a good job of explaining things, its hard to explain. But they way things are paced it feels like your being dragged along for the journey rather than being actually shown the interactions. Also, I am not sure if this is intentional but it almost feels like we’r expected to know about events or characters before we actually do. Plus there a few time skips that were really jarring. That being said, very well written grammar and punctuation wise. The story has a ton of potential and I would love to see some edits really elevate this story to the next level. Just really focus on adding more detail to the characters and events.

I like the idea of this book, I can see the building blocks that you have for it and what you are going for. So couple major things that are holding it back and some things that are going for it. Things that are holding it back is this, grammar and details. This feels very rushed and instead of the narrator telling you things they should have the characters do so. For example, the demon that shows up and attacks the mc. Instead of you telling us his name as the narrator, have him introduce himself. Also, one thing I noticed going through this book is you give us information about a place or creature without it being introduced organically. For example the glinx. You dont mention that name until you mention the plants that were found. But by then, you already mentioned the creature so you could have told us the name of the creatures then. This happens a few times and it makes the reader go back and check what you are taking about which takes you out of immersion. The good, it has decent characters and it’s quite obvious that you spent a lot of time thinking about them. However, they also feel very 2d and do not have a lot of emotion. For example the little girl early on. The way she talked in the middle of her dad being eaten made no sense. “ mom? Mom?” Doesn’t sound like she is freaked out it should read like “ mom!? What’s going on?! Where is dad!?” Just add more emotion to your characters. Also, the book jumps around a lot when it isnt necessary. For example, again I will bring up the little girl scene. It’s just kind of placed there. Whereas you could have had that in the begining of the book instead of just explaining that these monsters the glinx showed up. Make that the beginning of your book and have that be the first time they showed up. I would also be way more descriptive regarding places and creatures epecially if they are a major plot point. Over all I like what you are going for, it just needs some editing and more details in both the characters and what they are feeling and the setting and world building.

Okay, I like the general idea of the story and I could see this turning into a decent story with some good editing. Namely the punctuation and the grammar. There is a lot of things I caught just reading though it, I would go through and read it aloud to yourself tk help catch writing mistakes and issues with the flow of the story. Other than that? I would add more detail. For example, the ruins that were found in the begining. Its a small thing, but it proves my point. You mentioned how the ruins were a big deal and how everyone was excited, but you didnt really show that with the characters which makes them seem very 2d. Not only that but as a reader I’m left with questions, like what do the ruins look like? Is it in the desert? Where are the ruins located? I am not saying you need to do a info dump by any means, but adding bits of information to help paint the picture of the story you are telling. Overall I liked what I read so far, I would just really go through and add more detail. World building is one of the most important things you can do for your book. Keep up the good work!