123removed

2yr

Posted

Great story! It gets a bit confusing at first, but you quickly clear things up. 😁 It's quite fast-paced, which I like, and the concept is really interesting! The only tip I have is try to switch things up a bit with sentence lengths. I think that would make it an even easier read!

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123removed

2yr

Commented

Are his parents talking about what I think they're talking about? 😂

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123removed

2yr

Commented

That's encouraging 😂

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123removed

2yr

Commented

This is a great description of the game

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123removed

2yr

Commented

Sounds familiar these days

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123removed

2yr

Commented

Imagine waking up that that, yikes

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123removed

2yr

Commented

Anyways... there's that. No biggie. 😅

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123removed

2yr

Posted

I really like it! The story is giving me hitchhiker of the galaxy vibes a bit, though that may just be because I'm not very familiar with the concept. I like that it's fast paced, and I also like that you treat everything as 'normal', even though it's fantasy (as opposed to feeling the need to explain every little detail). As for tips, I have only two. Firstly, mind your verb tenses. You tend to switch between past and present tense at times. And secondly, try to limit the descriptive bits a little. You're great at those (and I love your vocabulary), but personally I'd switch a bit more between description and action, if that makes sense. 😁

The Energy System

Fantasy · EscLate

123removed

2yr

Commented

I'd take that personally 😂

Comment: Alive and healthy. But, a feeble life form.

The Energy System

Fantasy · EscLate

123removed

2yr

Commented

Something about the name LIFE CORPS just sounds shady, like they harvest organs or something 🤔

That was why he applied for the job of being a handyman on a farm. Don't take this farm lightly though, it is a farm owned by the multinational company, the LIFE CORPS. Due to his good luck, he even managed to secure the job.

The Energy System

Fantasy · EscLate

123removed

2yr

Commented

Alan seems awfully calm about this situation.

"Sigh…" Alan sighed before he lost consciousness.

The Energy System

Fantasy · EscLate

123removed

2yr

Commented

Whoa, that escalated quickly 😅

'Maybe this is the so-called clarity before death. Why isn't my life flashing before my eyes?' Thought Alan who was falling from a fifty-floor high skyscraper.

The Energy System

Fantasy · EscLate

123removed

2yr

Replied to Professional_hater

I feel ya

He was just a person in a country on a planet named earth. Which revolve around a yellow dwarf star. Zoom out a little more and you can see that the yellow dwarf star known as the sun is one in a hundred billion stars that revolve around a spiral galaxy known as the milky way. And the funny part is that it doesn't end there. Our galaxy, the milky way is just one of the trillions of galaxies found in the universe.