My Irregular DnD System Unlucky DnD

[TAKE A ShiT TO UNLOCK A NEW REWARD!] A gaudy voice declared outta nowhere.

"What is this now?" This digital thing appeared in front of my eyes as I was eating nachos, watching Breaking of the Beds. My favorite porn movie, just as this Walter dude told this Jesse chick they need to sell their bodies for money.

[Take. A ShIT. TO UNLOCK. A NEW REWARD!] The message echoed again, its digital voice tinged with what sounded suspiciously like impatience.

"...Is this a prank?" I asked myself out loud like a fucking idiot. As if the answer wasn't obvious enough.

"Oh, right. Nobody cares enough about me to make a prank like this." I realized.
"So, I've finally gone insane. Oh well, I live alone so I don't gotta really worry about anyone but myself..." 

Let me introduce myself. I'm Micheal Micheals, the epitome of a loser. My parents couldn't even be bothered to think of a unique name for me. If I were in a room with four people and a grenade was thrown in, not only would no one dive on it to save me, but they'd probably shove me towards it instead. The only person who wouldn't is, well, me. But given the spectacular failure that is my life, I'm starting to question even that.

All my life, I've been the textbook definition of a loser. Friends? They ran for the hills the second they met me. Teachers? Wrote me off from day one. Bosses? Probably daydream about firing me out of a cannon. A girlfriend? That's a good one. My first crush? She stomped on my heart like it was part of her morning workout routine. My parents? They threw in the towel and disowned me. Even my bully had a breakdown the first time he saw me, sobbing that I was too hideous to gaze upon as he pummeled me. I mean, I don't think I'm the Elephant Man or anything, but I guess being Micheal Micheals comes with its own set of cursed rules. Victory? Not even in my dreams. They all morph into nightmares, and every night is a special screening of 'Micheal's Greatest Fears' with a side of sleep paralysis.

Life for me has been like constantly rolling a 1 on luck or something. A living, breathing failure, just using up oxygen until I expire. The universe seems to have it out for me. I once thought about ending it all just to give the world a break, but even that seemed like too much effort.