Webnovel Author: Winterwisps - Novel Collection

Winterwisps

2yr

Replied to kpthe1

You're very welcome :). All the technical stuff I've pointed out is more or less about practice, so just keep working on it. Also, keep in mind to not just accept my commentary, but look it up the issue yourself if you have any doubts. A good way to learn is simply to do stuff, but the best way is to do it and then reflect afterward, at least that's my experience. Good luck out there!

Haha I'm glad all my nagging was helpful! I'll keep an eye out on your too, though I'll try to tone down my knee-jerk reactions a bit. If I get to a point where I can set time aside for some proper editing work, I'll let you know ^^.

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Rising Dawn

Fantasy · Minxs

Winterwisps

2yr

Replied to Riyah404

I completely agree. The way it is now, Halifax actually comes out as a little bit of an incompetent buffoon, which is unfortunate when he's supposed to be all smart-like. I thought of ways to improve this, but couldn't think of one that didn't involve spending a lot more time in this first world, and I didn't want to drag it on for too long. So, it's kind of a compromise.

ch 0 1 A Promise of Balance

Rattus Rex

Fantasy · Winterwisps

Winterwisps

2yr

Posted

Short review: an action-packed start, with an MC who's very convinced he's being tormented in a subtle way, and some good characterizations. Long review: The writing is good, with only a few kinks, overall making it a natural read. The story starts out strong, with action and characterizations, but then it drags a little bit while the whole setting is being explained. Perhaps I'm being harsh, but if action is being thrown at me from the start, I kinda expect there to be more stabby stabby than talky talky in the story. The characters are all well-rounded, with a good schism between the MC's expectations, based on his old world, and what is actually happening in this new world. It's very well done. Which brings me to the world, which seems deep and well-thought out. I have some questions which I would like to get answered in the future, but for now I give it all the marks I can.

A Hell Called Serestral

Fantasy · Riyah404

Winterwisps

2yr

Commented

Nicely done. Him rejecting these 'dopplegangers' at first feels in line with the characterization that was established in the previous chapter.

ch 0 3 Confusing Hell

A Hell Called Serestral

Fantasy · Riyah404

Winterwisps

2yr

Commented

Although heavy with exposition, I'm glad the flashback was kept to a single chapter. It got the important points across, and set up the tension that was hinted at in the first chapter. Well done.

ch 0 2 Life Before Hell

A Hell Called Serestral

Fantasy · Riyah404

Winterwisps

2yr

Commented

Will-->would 2x[Can--> could]

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A Hell Called Serestral

Fantasy · Riyah404

Winterwisps

2yr

Commented

he can-->possible

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A Hell Called Serestral

Fantasy · Riyah404

Winterwisps

2yr

Commented

can-->could

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A Hell Called Serestral

Fantasy · Riyah404

Winterwisps

2yr

Commented

Throwing the reader straight into the action is a good tactic, and all the strangeness makes one want to read on and reveal the mysteries.

ch 0 1 Welcome to... Hell?

A Hell Called Serestral

Fantasy · Riyah404

Winterwisps

2yr

Commented

If you're trying to avoid using male or female pronouns, because that information hasn't been revealed yet, then I find 'their' to be a better option than 'its' which is the pronoun reserved for objects, not humans/sentient beings

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A Hell Called Serestral

Fantasy · Riyah404

Winterwisps

2yr

Commented

can carry --> could carry

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A Hell Called Serestral

Fantasy · Riyah404

Winterwisps

2yr

Commented

Same here: will--> would

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A Hell Called Serestral

Fantasy · Riyah404

Winterwisps

2yr

Commented

Pieffer will die --> Pieffer would die

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A Hell Called Serestral

Fantasy · Riyah404

Winterwisps

2yr

Posted

Short review: Very fun setup with good characters and an interesting system. Long review: The writing is overall decent, but the author shifts around in tense too much to make it a natural read. The story development is excellent, with a good introduction and setting up the stakes from the very first chapter. The characters are very well developed, with distinct features, and their interaction feels natural. I'm not far enough to say a lot about the world-building, but it appears solid, and I'm interested in how the author is going to make the supernatural features fit into an Earth-like world.

Unlimited Borrowing System

Sci-fi · kpthe1

Winterwisps

2yr

Commented

That is a rather favorable exchangerate. I hope it'll be explored what the system gets out of dishing out such nice items in return for a less potent one.

ch 0 4 Experiments

Unlimited Borrowing System

Sci-fi · kpthe1

Winterwisps

2yr

Commented

Very good introduction to the system, without going into too much detail, as well as the obligatory withheld answers for the future. I'm interested to see what how this borrowing mechanic works, and how it plays into the RPG elements that appear to have been revealed.

ch 0 3 Genesis

Unlimited Borrowing System

Sci-fi · kpthe1

Winterwisps

2yr

Commented

Shouldn't it know his middle name by the same logic that allows it to know his first and last names without being told? I guess this creates an opportunity to tell about their british heritage, but that was also possible when discussing the fate of his mother in the previous chapter

"How does the system know my full name?" Wang Wei asked Genesis about his name first because Raymond is the middle name of both the Wang brothers given by their mother. Wang Wei's mother is British, and Raymond is their mother's family name. But it is only mentioned in the brothers' birth certificates, so no one knows about it other than their family.

Unlimited Borrowing System

Sci-fi · kpthe1

Winterwisps

2yr

Commented

Punctuation: "So Genesis. Hi" --> "So, Genesis. Hi." Names are usually subordinated to the main sentence with commas

"So Genesis. Hi" Wang Wei spoke, looking at the empty space in his room. If anyone was present there beside him, they would have thought that Wang Wei is speaking with ghosts.

Unlimited Borrowing System

Sci-fi · kpthe1

Winterwisps

2yr

Commented

missing word: said out --> said out loud

"Wait, what the heck I'm thinking about. Hell with being a protagonist. Where did this thing come from anyway" Wang Wei said out and soon calmed himself down.

Unlimited Borrowing System

Sci-fi · kpthe1

Webnovel Author: Winterwisps - Novel Collection

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Unlimited Borrowing System

Rising Dawn

Rattus Rex

A Hell Called Serestral

A Hell Called Serestral

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A Hell Called Serestral

A Hell Called Serestral

A Hell Called Serestral

A Hell Called Serestral

A Hell Called Serestral

A Hell Called Serestral

A Hell Called Serestral

A Hell Called Serestral

Unlimited Borrowing System

Unlimited Borrowing System

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